What gives you hope?

Yesterday I had the privilege to be interviewed by a young man, himself transgender, who has been travelling the country collecting stories from transgender people and allies in small towns and cities for a book he will be writing. One of the questions he asked me is “What gives you hope?” I hadn’t thought specifically about that until he asked, but answering it reminded me of some vitally important parts of my life.

My journey this past year has challenged me and pushed me beyond just about every limit I thought I could endure. About a month ago I reached a night where I found myself in despair to the point that I questioned the very value of continuing to live. I have known a great amount of joy, but also great depths of sorrow and grief. In the midst of that, I have found hope in my family, particularly my parents and my children who have walked this journey with me from the day I told them. I know far too many LGBTQ people who do not have this fundamental support and realize how fortunate I am that I do.

I also find hope in the amazing friends I have around me. I regularly feel lifted up, encouraged, affirmed and loved by them. I feel that I belong. I remember the theme song from Cheers, the popular sitcom from the 80s, which said “Sometimes you want to go, where everybody knows your name, and they’re always glad you came.” I always thought that the church should be such a place, though it rarely has been for me. But I now have such a place in my dance studio and that gives me so much hope. Between my biological family and my circle of friends I know that I am not alone. I know that I will never be abandoned, no matter how difficult things are. I know that they will be there for me, and I will be there for them. This gives me tremendous hope for my future.

In a world that often expresses hostility, dismay, derision and lack of understanding toward transgender people, as well as towards others who don’t fit the dominant perception of “normal,” I have hope because I see that there are a lot of people who do not feel that way, who affirm each person as they are. I have hope that the future will be better because such love must conquer the hate that others spew out. In the midst of this toxic election year, when one candidate builds his entire campaign on a message of fear, exclusion and intolerance, I know that he does not represent the values of this country and have hope that the values I see lived out among my friends will prevail.

Finally, I have hope because for the first time in my life I feel like a whole person. I am connected with myself. I know who I am and can live fully and freely in that identity. If you have not lived your life disconnected from yourself, you may not fully understand this, but the sense of freedom and hope that come from living wholeheartedly empowers and uplifts me. It’s not always easy. I’ve tried to be very candid about that on this blog. There are very difficult days and dark nights. Sometimes I want the struggle to be over, but I know that the struggle shapes me and that I have the strength and the inherent worth to rise again.

Hope has always been an important word to me. I appreciated the question from the interviewer yesterday because I had not thought of my journey particularly in terms of hope until then, but I see that I have strong, deep reasons for hope, and for that I am deeply thankful.