A week ago today I entered the hospital to undergo the transformation I've been anticipating for so long. All of the excitement and anxiety that had built up over the previous weeks and months had come to that moment. Now, a week later, I am finally able to compose some of my thoughts in reflection on this amazing, intense journey.
First of all, I am so happy, so very happy. From the moment the anesthesia wore off enough for me to have some conscious recognition that it was done, I have been so happy that I did it. Through all the challenges of the past week, I have not regretted it one moment. Although my body has a lot of healing still to do, I finally feel like I am in my body for the first time in my life.
The past week's journey, however, has tested me and pushed me to my limits and beyond. It has not been more difficult than I had imagined, but it has demanded everything I had to give. I come out of this process with such confidence in myself. I faced some of my biggest fears, I persevered through sleepless nights and days of pain to achieve my goal. If I can do this, I can do anything I set my mind to.
Twice in the past week I hit a wall, a wall of reaching my capacity to endure what I was going through. The first wall came on the second night after the surgery, while I was still in the hospital. I had not had any significant sleep for two nights and had felt constant pain and discomfort for 24+ hours. Worse still, my dear friend Christine had to leave that night to return home for work the next day. She had been my rock through the previous three days, the one who was there to hold my hand tightly, to encourage me, to help me laugh in the midst of everything. She was with me at the moment I went under the anesthesia and again the moment I came out of it. Her strength became my strength, an additional well of energy to draw on as I began my recovery. Her presence was invaluable in those days, Now I had to face the coming day without her or any other friend by my side, and I felt overwhelmed. I dug deep, held her close to my heart and mind, and determined that I would succeed. And I did.
On Saturday I hit another wall, again fueled particularly by lack of sleep. It's hard to sleep when your body is in pain. Just the slightest pain in a sensitive location and with enough intensity, is enough to chase sleep far from you. Two nights of limited sleep and a week of dealing with the pain and discomfort left me drained. Everything was going well, but healing is hard work, and my body was tired. I hadn't overdone it. I hadn't pushed myself too hard. My body just needed time to rest. Which I did, spending most of the day lying on the sofa or sitting in a chair watching whatever happened to be on TV. (Note to others: when recovering from major surgery, choose a location with a full array of cable channels. It helps.) My friend Leslie was with me by that point and provided the encouragement and support needed to make it over that wall. Saturday night I finally enjoyed a decent night's sleep and the world began to look a lot better on Sunday.
On Sunday afternoon I took a brief walk outdoors. The air had a lovely scent of fresh rain, as it had rained the previous night. The sun was out with a pleasant warmth and the clouds floated with lightness across the sky. I listened to the birds singing, absorbed the beauty around me and felt the healing going on inside myself and I felt such peace. My journey is not complete. I have a lot of healing ahead. But I am whole. I am complete. The butterfly has emerged from her cocoon. Soon she will spread her wings.
I am so grateful for everyone who has supported me through the process. I have appreciated the notes of encouragement as I (or Christine) shared brief updates on my Facebook page, which was all I had the energy for last week. Above all I cherish the support of the women who have walked alongside me this week: Christine, Jennifer, Leslie, Emily and Jamie. You are all so amazing and wonderful and I am so honored and grateful to share this journey with you. I would not be who I am today without you.
And I look forward to what lies ahead.
First of all, I am so happy, so very happy. From the moment the anesthesia wore off enough for me to have some conscious recognition that it was done, I have been so happy that I did it. Through all the challenges of the past week, I have not regretted it one moment. Although my body has a lot of healing still to do, I finally feel like I am in my body for the first time in my life.
The past week's journey, however, has tested me and pushed me to my limits and beyond. It has not been more difficult than I had imagined, but it has demanded everything I had to give. I come out of this process with such confidence in myself. I faced some of my biggest fears, I persevered through sleepless nights and days of pain to achieve my goal. If I can do this, I can do anything I set my mind to.
Twice in the past week I hit a wall, a wall of reaching my capacity to endure what I was going through. The first wall came on the second night after the surgery, while I was still in the hospital. I had not had any significant sleep for two nights and had felt constant pain and discomfort for 24+ hours. Worse still, my dear friend Christine had to leave that night to return home for work the next day. She had been my rock through the previous three days, the one who was there to hold my hand tightly, to encourage me, to help me laugh in the midst of everything. She was with me at the moment I went under the anesthesia and again the moment I came out of it. Her strength became my strength, an additional well of energy to draw on as I began my recovery. Her presence was invaluable in those days, Now I had to face the coming day without her or any other friend by my side, and I felt overwhelmed. I dug deep, held her close to my heart and mind, and determined that I would succeed. And I did.
On Saturday I hit another wall, again fueled particularly by lack of sleep. It's hard to sleep when your body is in pain. Just the slightest pain in a sensitive location and with enough intensity, is enough to chase sleep far from you. Two nights of limited sleep and a week of dealing with the pain and discomfort left me drained. Everything was going well, but healing is hard work, and my body was tired. I hadn't overdone it. I hadn't pushed myself too hard. My body just needed time to rest. Which I did, spending most of the day lying on the sofa or sitting in a chair watching whatever happened to be on TV. (Note to others: when recovering from major surgery, choose a location with a full array of cable channels. It helps.) My friend Leslie was with me by that point and provided the encouragement and support needed to make it over that wall. Saturday night I finally enjoyed a decent night's sleep and the world began to look a lot better on Sunday.
On Sunday afternoon I took a brief walk outdoors. The air had a lovely scent of fresh rain, as it had rained the previous night. The sun was out with a pleasant warmth and the clouds floated with lightness across the sky. I listened to the birds singing, absorbed the beauty around me and felt the healing going on inside myself and I felt such peace. My journey is not complete. I have a lot of healing ahead. But I am whole. I am complete. The butterfly has emerged from her cocoon. Soon she will spread her wings.
I am so grateful for everyone who has supported me through the process. I have appreciated the notes of encouragement as I (or Christine) shared brief updates on my Facebook page, which was all I had the energy for last week. Above all I cherish the support of the women who have walked alongside me this week: Christine, Jennifer, Leslie, Emily and Jamie. You are all so amazing and wonderful and I am so honored and grateful to share this journey with you. I would not be who I am today without you.
And I look forward to what lies ahead.
