My story: Embracing my identity

Up to the point I have shared about in my journey I had never, ever, not once, told anyone about my questions, struggles, explorations, whatever you want to call it, related to my identity. The shame culture which I had fully imbibed growing up and living as a conservative American evangelical Christian kept me from speaking to anyone about this. I simply could not imagine that someone could accept me if they knew this deep, hidden secret, and I feared the possibility of rejection too much to take the risk.

Until one day last October when, for reasons I still don’t understand, I took that risk. While chatting with a friend from my dance studio, I responded to something that she had shared with a comment that hinted at my secret without revealing anything specific. I wrote that I had come to accept some things about myself that had changed my perspective on a number of issues. It was enough of a hint that she could choose to ask more, but nothing too strong so if she passed over it it wouldn’t matter. She did notice it though and asked what I meant by what I had said. I faced a moment of decision. I could blow it off and bypass the issue, or I could open myself for the very first time in my life. I chose the latter, and literally trembled with fear as I waited for her response. I could not imagine that this would be viewed as acceptable or anything positive. Her open, positive response blew me away, and her willingness to support me in my exploration surpassed anything I could have imagined. I cannot express strongly enough how radically freeing it was at that moment to open the door just the smallest crack and find that instead of hatred and rejection there was acceptance and affirmation; that at least some people in this world saw no problem with me being myself.

As I talked further with this friend about my identity, I quickly recognized that the next step had to be to open up to my wife, and this I dreaded more than death itself. Despite my friend’s acceptance, I was terrified to admit to my wife such a profoundly life-altering truth about myself. I valued my relationship with her greatly and feared that telling her would mean the end of that relationship, but I had reached a point in the journey where I could no longer keep it hidden and I could no longer deny it to myself. I started seeing a therapist to help me work through my struggles in accepting myself and dealing with all the issues of guilt and shame that came from my past. I found a local transgender support group and attended my first meeting. (I was terrified because it meant being out among a bunch of strangers.) At the same time I wrestled with when and how to talk to my wife. It took me an entire month to reach the point of raising the issue.

I’m not going to revisit here the actual conversations that occurred with my wife. They are between her and myself, but I will say it was a very painful time for both of us. We faced the choice of one or both of us not being true to ourselves so we could stay together, or separating so that we could both be true to ourselves. It was a terrible choice. We chose the latter. The thing I had feared most had come to pass. Accepting myself had cost me the most important relationship in my life.

Once that dreadful bridge had been crossed, I began to express myself increasingly openly. I began by sharing with the rest of my family, then opening up to trusted friends in my dance community. I started being more out in what I wore to dance class, and slowly became bolder in being out in public. I will write more in future posts about what it’s like to go public as a transgender person, so I won’t dwell on that for the moment. I started painting my nails. I got my ears pierced (which I had long wanted to do!) I found that the people around me, especially those in my dance studio, totally accepted and supported me. They had no problem with me being who I was. They watched and affirmed me as a transitioned. Their unwavering support has been life-giving. The thing I had most feared to reveal about myself proved to be no problem. I am extremely fortunate to have such a supportive community.

Earlier this year I began hormone replacement therapy (HRT), about which I will write more in the future. When summer arrived I found myself legally single, independent and ready to move forward in my transition. I went to court and legally changed my name, so that my identity documents would align with who I am. After the shootings in Orlando in June I realized that I needed to end the last vestiges of hiding in my life and opened my online profile to reveal my true self. That was another scary moment, but by that point I was confident in who I was and able to face and conquer that fear. I wanted people to know who I am because I wanted them to know that I was one of “those people” who had been targeted in Orlando. If you have problems with LBGTQ people, you have problems with me, because I am one of them. I will not stay hidden and I will not stay silent any longer. Shame has lost its hold on me, and I cannot overstate how freeing that has been.

After fearing the loss of my marriage, my second greatest fear in coming out was that I would lose my job, because I worked for a conservative evangelical organization which I could not imagine accepting my transition. After I went fully public with my transition this fear came to pass earlier this month when I had to choose to walk away from something I have really enjoyed and was really good at. Embracing my identity has cost me dearly and I still grieve those losses, but I don’t regret finally accepting myself for who I am. I have found wholeness and harmony with myself that I had never known. I no longer carry a secret that feels so dark I cannot ever possibly share it. I’ve found freedom and life.

There’s much more to say, and I will continue to write about all sorts of aspects of transitioning and living as a transgender woman, but that’s my journey in (relatively) summary form. I do welcome questions and feedback, and if there are areas that you would like me to explore further, please ask. I will not promise that I will talk about everything. I’m very open about who I am, but not everything is for public consumption.