Finding myself through ballet

I made some mention in the story of my journey about my dance studio and how friends from that studio have been a part of my transition. But the role of dance in finding and accepting myself goes far beyond what I have indicated so far. Today I want to begin to share some of the ways in which it has influenced me.

I came to dance late in life. I did not dance as a youth or teen, or in a college, or pretty much ever. Neither did dance start me on my journey of self-discovery. That began a couple years before I began dancing. But once I did start, the two became very much intertwined. About three years ago, in the midst of my personal journey, I recognized that I was not getting any younger and that I needed to get active if I was going to maintain my health. Initially I tried mixed martial arts (MMA) with my son and my wife. We learned relatively quickly that none of us enjoyed it. For me the atmosphere was very contrary to my personality and to who I wanted to be. Hitting things, or people, to get in shape was not my path. Next to the MMA studio was a studio that offered pilates, yoga, dance and other similar activities. One day as I left MMA the yoga studio’s sign caught my attention and I noticed that they listed ballet as well. The crazy idea planted itself in my head that it would be interesting and challenging to try ballet. But being a person who still presented as male and was well past 40 at that point, I really questioned whether I could do it. So I called the studio to inquire. The person answering the phone that day also happened to be the ballet teacher and she enthusiastically affirmed that I would be welcome and that it was never too late to start learning. With an enormous amount of anxiety and trepidation I attended my first class. It stretched me beyond all my physical boundaries. I awoke the next morning aware of muscles that I either didn’t know or had forgotten that I had! But I also loved it. The warmth and friendliness of the teacher created an atmosphere where I felt comfortable challenging and stretching myself and I began to attend regularly. I was hooked.

At this point I was still very much hidden in my personal journey, so I took classes as a male, which as most ballet studios are painfully aware is a rarity in itself. For me this was, in fact, part of the attraction, because it gave me an opportunity to be in a world dominated by women but in which men still could fit. Most of the time I would be the only man in class. I enjoyed the opportunity to get to know the other women in the classes and even though I was still presenting as a male they welcomed me and incorporated me into their world.

I was drawn to ballet for several reasons. While living in Russia I had the opportunity to attend several performances by one of the great Russian ballet companies, which had opened my eyes to the beauty of this art form. (In my only prior experience with it as a young man I had not found it nearly so inspiring, to be honest.) Ballet also attracted me because it would take me well outside of my comfort zone, and I had reached a point in life where I wanted to challenge and stretch myself and not just stay in the realm of the safe and familiar. Though I had not yet reached that point in my personal expression, choosing to embrace the opportunity to go beyond my boundaries by taking ballet was a key first step in that process.

Ballet also interested me precisely because it is perceived as a “feminine” art. I have since come to learn that it is so much more than that, but its quintessential perception as something for women was in fact part of what drew me to explore it. As I mentioned previously, it was an environment in which men could (and do!) play an important role, but one in which the focus really is on women, so it gave me the opportunity to connect with the world of women even as I explored whether that was, in fact, my world as well. The more I took ballet, the more I could establish friendships with women in a way and environment that was not inherently sexualized (at least not at the studios I have danced at.) I didn’t look at my fellow dancers as potential intimate relationship material, but as potential new friends. And I have found many wonderful ones along the way.

Being in the dance studio also gave me an outlet for self-expression. At first I presented strictly as male. I was in no way going to give any hint of my internal struggle in that public of a forum. But when I switched to a different studio and slowly became comfortable there, I could begin to push the boundaries of my self-expression bit by bit.  My fellow adult dancers accepted and affirmed me for who I was at every step of the journey, from before I came out to my first timid investigations of self-expression and through the full transition over the past few months. One incident stands out in my mind among many positive experiences. I had purchased a pair of hot pink tights for use in dance but had hesitated to actually wear them to class. Too bold? What would others think? (I still thought very much in such terms at that time.) But while talking with one friend and fellow dancer, she encouraged me to go for it, so I did to a very positive response. Such an environment is so helpful to someone who is figuring out who they are.

Over time I have moved on to try other forms of dance and love a variety of forms, but ballet is still my foundation. I have grown in my abilities, but still have so much to learn. For someone who started in her forties though, I feel pretty good about myself! Tomorrow I want to share some more of the ways in which dance helped me come to find and accept myself.