Taking the Next Step

October is a special month for me. Not only does it mark my physical birthday, it also marks my birthday as myself. This year I celebrate the second year of my open and full life. Looking back, the transformation I have undergone in the past two years amazes me. Just the changes in the last year astound me. I look at my life right now and have so much to be grateful for. I have a stable job with great co-workers, doing good in our community. I have good health and enjoy being active. Many wonderful people enrich my life. I invest my time in energy in people and causes that matter to me. My life matters (as many of you have kindly reminded me!) I am a rich woman.

Nonetheless, I need to take another step in my journey. I hesitate to share this step, because it strikes me as intensely personal, surprisingly so, given that I have strived to be very open and vulnerable in my writing and my life. I think this step feels more personal because it has to do with my body, and in particular with the parts of the body that I was raised not to talk about – the private parts, as we always said.

It’s also hard to talk about my body because to do so is to focus on the part of me that still brings shame, that I want to hide, that embarrasses me and makes me uncomfortable every time I stand in front of a mirror. Although I know I am a woman and that my anatomy doesn’t define that, I also feel an internal disconnect (dysmorphia) between who I am and a basic part of my physical appearance.

I need to address this dysmorphia. I need to reshape my body so that it does not cause me shame and distress. I need to undergo surgery -- specifically, gender confirmation surgery (in my case, often referred to as “bottom surgery.”)

I have thought about this for some time now. I’ve talked about it with a few friends. Recently I had a consultation with a well-regarded surgeon who has done many of these operations. Before I left her office I knew that this was the step I need to take now.

My goal is to have the operation in February. If you want to know more about the procedure, you may search online to find information. I prefer not to go into details here. I am thankful for the friends I have spoken with about this who have been very supportive. They have affirmed my decision and expressed their willingness and desire to walk with me through the process. I know I do not take this step alone, and that brings me great comfort.

Unfortunately, this operation will not be inexpensive. Although I have health insurance through my employer, I do not yet know how much, if any, of the procedure it will cover. At best I will still be left with a substantial bill, which I must pay in advance. But I know this is the right step for me now and I believe that the money will be there. I will move forward in that confidence. I would appreciate any support you can provide to make this happen. I have set up a GoFundMe account, or you may contact me directly if you would like to help. In the next couple months I will be organizing some fundraisers if you happen to live nearby. I’ll share about them on my Facebook page and here in my blog.

I look forward to the day I wake up to a body that doesn’t fill me with shame.