My Complicated Relationship with Halloween

I didn’t bother with a Halloween costume this year. I spent the day traveling to Phoenix and back for a luncheon, at which Halloween costumes would have been most out of place. I spent the evening at home, making dinner and waiting for the kids to come around trick-or-treating. (I had 9 total visitors. Ours is not a high-traffic neighborhood.)

Only once as an adult have I really put together a Halloween costume. For most of my adulthood, as a devout Christian family, we didn’t celebrate Halloween. We didn’t find it compatible with our beliefs. In addition, leaving in cultures that do not observe Halloween made it unnecessary, though some of our fellow Americans would sometimes organize a “Harvest party” around this time of year so our kids could enjoy the Christianized version of Halloween. (When I was teaching, I had a student who had put together a costume for her church’s “Reformation Day” party, which struck me as both a sad and creative way to Christianize Halloween.)

Because Halloween wasn’t a part of our family or religious tradition, it’s not that significant to me, even though the religious objections no longer hold any significance for me. I’m just too lazy, cheap, or uncreative to bother with creating a costume. Not to mention that I have issues with putting lots of make up on. I did pull together a costume a few years ago, before I came out publicly. I borrowed a friend’s tutu – the pancake style flat tutu – and paired it with a leotard I had bought. I also borrowed her pointe shoes, which unfortunately were too small to wear, so I tied them together over my shoulder. I added a tiara to complete my ballerina costume, something I had longed dreamed of being. It was the first time the real me poked out of the closet, and the response I received convinced me that the world was not ready to accept me. I sidestepped the negative and inquisitive comments I received in person (we helped at our church’s Harvest day party and later to my parent’s dance studio) and online (where I actually posted a couple pictures.) I claimed I was just having fun for Halloween. But the truth, which I hadn’t fully admitted to myself yet, is that Halloween gave the perfect excuse to express what was inside without too great a risk. That is often the case for closeted transgender people. I could fully and openly express what was really inside but minimize the pushback by claiming that it was just a Halloween costume.

Maybe that’s the reason I don’t feel a strong inclination to put on costumes for Halloween. Having hidden for so long, having pretended to be someone I wasn’t, I don’t want to pretend anymore, even if it’s just for fun. On the other hand, I can definitely think of some costumes I would really have fun dressing up in. Maybe next year.