Don't Erase Me

Recently a friend shared a report on Facebook highlighting disturbing trends related to sexually transmitted diseases. This person introduced the report with the statement: “If you are sexually active (and I hope you are)…,” which immediately gave me pause. I think their intentions were entirely positive, but the addition of the phrase “and I hope you are” displayed a common misperception about sexuality: healthy people are sexually active. This comment erased an entire group of people – those who are asexual. It erased me and my experience, because I am asexual.

We live in a culture with an underlying assumption that all healthy people are sexually attracted to someone else, and that satisfying that attraction is a natural and essential part of being human. That sexual orientation may be heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, or some other form, but it involves a basic inclination towards sex. Asexual people, however, do not experience sexual attraction. It doesn’t compel them, draw them to particular individuals or motivate their decisions and actions. To tell an asexual person that you hope they are sexually active is to tell them that you hope they are acting against their natural orientation, which I would define as fundamentally unhealthy.

Yet asexual people are routinely erased from the picture of sexual orientations, because people assume that everyone is sexually attracted to someone and if they are not, then something is wrong with them. It’s time to recognize that this is neither true nor accurate.

Asexuality is a healthy, normal, natural sexual orientation.

Being asexual doesn’t mean I’m not interested in relationships. Far from it. I love connecting with others. But I am not attracted to others sexually. I can admire another woman, find her very attractive (not only physically), but the attraction is not primarily a sexual one. I am not aromantic, which is another identity that exists in this complex world. Aromantic people do not experience romantic attraction. Someone who is asexual can also be aromantic. A person can be aromantic and not asexual. The two aspects of identity are distinct, though related. (The two are often referred to in shorthand as “ace” and “aro”.)

I’ve hesitated to publicly acknowledge that I am asexual. I have thought about this long and hard before affirming it for myself. I have several friends who pushed me to reflect carefully on my sexual orientation in light of my transition. They did not want me to prematurely draw conclusions about my sexual identity and cut off what they understood to be an important part of human experience. I appreciate their care and their desire to help me understand myself well. I also appreciate that in the end, they accepted my conclusion that I am, indeed, asexual. I didn’t decide this lightly, or quickly. It may seem ironic to some, given that I was married for almost 25 years and have two biological children. But being ace doesn’t mean you will never have sex, or even that you don’t enjoy it when you do. It just means that sex is not what attracts you to a person nor connects you in a relationship. In retrospect, this was a significant issue in my marriage, though I didn’t recognize it at the time.

I hesitated to share this publicly because I fear that people will confuse being asexual with a lack of interest in intimate relationship. Or, conversely, they might think that they would never want to enter into an intimate relationship with an asexual person because, well, what about the sex? Refer to the previous paragraph: for me, at least, being asexual doesn’t entirely preclude sex. It just means that sex is not what attracts me to another person and not how I’m going to feel connected and fulfilled in a relationship. Asexual people are capable of meaningful, deep, intimate relationships with allosexuals (those who have any sexual orientation other than asexual). They just have to figure out together how to express intimacy in a way that meets the needs and desires of both. And isn’t that what a healthy relationship is about anyway?

I share this now because I’m tired of being erased from the picture of human sexuality. I’m tired of feeling like I’m inadequate or abnormal because I don’t experience sexual attraction. I’m tired of being a hidden minority. I want people to understand that being asexual is not a problem to be fixed, just as being transgender isn’t. I affirm my sexual orientation as a basic part of who I am.

If you want to learn more about asexuality, I recommend the website of the Asexual Visibility and Education Network: www.asexuality.org. It’s a good starting point. I am open to questions as well about what it means to be asexual, though of course I cannot speak for everyone who is ace.