Stepping Out

I did something last week that I haven’t done in the nearly two years since I came out: I took a personal vacation and left my home town. In the past two years I have left my city only twice: once to visit Bisbee with my daughter, and once to travel to Yuma with my co-workers for a meeting. Both were day trips. Last week I left my city for four days – three nights away from my home, my bed, and the relative security of the community I know and love.

I hadn’t traveled sooner in part because I felt anxious about visiting new locations, uncertain how I would be received and whether I would feel comfortable and safe there. This may strike you as an irrational fear. Irrational it may be, but it is a valid fear nonetheless when you are a transgender woman. Our country is not currently an overall friendly, welcoming environment for the transgender community, and I live in a largely conservative state. There are places in my state I would strongly hesitate to visit alone. I’ve reached the point I am relatively relaxed in my home city, but the prospect of being in a new environment definitely generated some anxiety. If you cannot understand this, welcome to cisgender privilege. I did choose to visit a couple cities in my state that are considered to be more progressively minded  -- Flagstaff and Tempe --  which lessened my concern. However, I could not go with full confidence that I would be welcome and safe. Thankfully, my anxieties were allayed in both cities, which boosts my courage to eventually venture into other new locations. Each new foray is a growth step for me.

This trip also marked a milestone for me because I traveled solo for the first time since my divorce. Those who know me well know that I am a very social person. I like being with friends. After 25 years of marriage, I am also not used to taking trips alone. Sure, I made the occasional business trip by myself, but for 25 years I never took a leisure trip alone. I’m used to having someone accompany me. I would have welcomed a friend joining me on this trip, but none were available, so I decided to explore the world for myself. And I had a wonderful time.

I received a number of suggestions and recommendations for things to see and do in Flagstaff. After all, it’s a charming mountain town, not so far from the Grand Canyon and a number of other interesting sites. On this trip, I chose to remain local. I arrived in town on Thursday afternoon, parked my car, and didn’t drive it again until I left town on Saturday afternoon. I didn’t set an agenda for myself. I did have breakfast with a friend one morning, and I spent some time visiting with some people at the university, but most of the time I passed in solitude, even when surrounded by people. I read a lot, worked on my cross stitch, took a walk in the forest, and just relaxed. It was one of the best vacations I’ve had.

On my way home I stopped in Tempe to see another friend, one of the most beautiful souls I know, whom I have missed since she left town earlier this summer. Between my time in Flagstaff and my visit with her I returned home with a heart filled to overflowing with contentment, peace and joy. I need to do this more often. I may not always be able to go somewhere else to find it, but I want to make sure to create space for reflection, solitude and stillness. As a social person, I forget that my soul needs these as well. It doesn’t require going somewhere exotic, which isn’t a possibility for me at this time in my life anyway. It may mean taking an evening and heading to a quiet coffee shop (better yet, a tea house), where I can read or journal, or maybe create artwork. The thing is to make that time.