Reclaiming my past

I received my college diploma yesterday, 21 years after I earned it. To be more accurate, I received an updated diploma yesterday, because I did receive one when I completed the degree. But that diploma no longer fit me. It did not correctly identify the person who had earned that degree, and who is proud of having done so. I buried that old one in a box and never looked at it. But I wanted to be able to affirm my accomplishments from my life prior to transition, so I finally took the plunge and ordered a new one.

The process was surprisingly easy. Last year, when I was looking for employment, I had contacted the university about updating my academic records. The university’s website had indicated that no changes to names on academic records were allowed, until I saw the fine print that made an exception for those making a gender transition. Yes! A couple phone calls and a copy of my court order and doctor’s letter later, and I had an updated transcript with my proper name. At the time I didn’t have the extra money to order a new diploma, so I let that rest. Until now.

Reclaiming the past is an ongoing process for me. I’ve written about this earlier this year. Deciding what to do about academic records, employment history, accounts established under my former name, all of this takes time and energy, more so than one might think. The most difficult aspect I encountered was when I needed to update my resume and references while looking for work last year. Because I hadn’t worked locally for a long time, I needed to use the references from my teaching work and my overseas work, all of which involved Christian organizations. I couldn’t list them as references without informing them of my transition, in case a potential employer contacted them. Those were some awkward conversations, though they went better than I had anticipated (other than the one co-teacher who insisted on trying to convince me that I was making a very unhealthy decision and a former supervisor who never returned my message asking him to be a reference.) The reality is, one doesn’t just “come out” one time. It’s an on-going process. Maybe someday I’ll be done with it. Maybe.

My new diploma now hangs for all to see on the wall of my office. It’s a small thing, in a way. But for me it’s a big thing, because it’s another step in reclaiming my past. Just because I lived it under a different name and another identity that wasn’t truly me, doesn’t me that I didn’t live it. Those are still my accomplishments and memories.

And for those who take issue with the university I earned my degree at, I’m not ashamed of it. If I can find the courage and confidence to live openly as myself, I can also confidently acknowledge my Sun Devil roots, even here in Wildcat land. I think for many of my friends this part of my identity is probably a bigger issue than my being transgender! (And in my defense, I include this picture of me wearing my Arizona Wildcat scarf at the Arizona Wildcat soccer stadium cheering on the womens’ soccer team. When it comes to Wildcats and Sun Devils I am definitely non-binary.)