Heading to Camp

In a couple hours I will depart for Camp Born This Way. This amazing camp, now in its sixth year, provides a safe camp environment for transgender children and youth, along with their siblings and parents. I’m excited to be part of the camp staff, but to be fully open with you, I’m nervous too.

As camp weekend has drawn closer, I’ve thought quite a bit about why I feel anxious. One factor arises from my lack of experience as camp staff. The last time I helped at a youth camp, I was still a teenager myself. Yeah, that’s a few years ago. Another stems from my desire to connect with these youth. I’m one of only a couple new staff. The others have interacted with these youth in monthly groups and previous camps, so they have a head start. I’ve had to remind myself to just be myself and not worry about trying to impress anyone. When I relax and let my personality radiate, it will speak for itself. Besides, I’ve raised two young adults who still speak with me, so I have some degree of ability to relate to youth.

I’m also experiencing my usual anxiety before any trip. When I used to travel somewhat regularly for my work, I would always feel some stress right up to departure time, as I checked and rechecked my packing list, trying valiantly to make sure I didn’t forget anything. This anxiety generally decreases once I depart, because at that point what’s done is done.

Last night I identified a couple other triggers that touch my identity. This will be my first camping experience as a recognized woman. It seems almost insignificant, but I’ve never had to pack for any trip since coming out, much less for a 3-day camp experience. I’ve had to stop and think differently about what I want and need to bring. Since I came out, I have slept away from my home only one night, when I stayed overnight at a friend’s. I’m not used to waking up in a space that is not my own, where I am familiar and comfortable with my surroundings and know exactly where everything I want is located.

Even more, I realized that this will be the first time I’ve shared common lodging and restroom space with others since coming out. Yes, I’ve used the toilet countless times (and that, especially initially, was very frightening), but that’s not the same as using showers and getting ready in public. It may sound trivial to you, but for me, who has always been rather discrete about my body anyway, this is quite significant. Once I thought about this, I understood why this causes me a great deal of anxiety. I’m still coming to terms with my body, and being in a place where that body will, to some extent at least, be viewed by others, stresses me. This will be a good environment in which to take this step, given the focus of this camp, but it forces me to take a step in my own growth nonetheless.

Now that my bag is packed, all that remains is to wait for my ride to arrive. I’m going to focus on the anticipation and the connections that will develop this weekend. What a fantastic opportunity for these families, and for me to share my own journey with them. I trust that on Monday, looking back at the weekend, I’ll have so many great memories and these worries I have now will have vanished. But at this moment, I need to acknowledge that they are real for me. Pretending they don’t trouble me violates my goal of living authentically and wholeheartedly. So here I sit, for the moment, with my anxieties, so that by sitting with them I can move past them.