Losing my religion

My old acquaintance Stuart (not his real name) responded to my post last week in which I rejected the shame he had tried to cast on me for who I am. I didn’t release his response because I want to respond to it more fully here and not in a comment to the earlier post.

Stuart chose to cite several verses in his effort to demonstrate that I am out of line with god’s created order (he avoided the use of the word “sinful” but that was definitely implied). My first response was to engage him at that level and cite other verses back at him, such as Deuteronomy 22:11 which states that we are not to wear clothes of wool and linen together. Thankfully my wardrobe has little of either so I avoid that sin, but if we are to interpret it as a broader principle of not having multiple types of fabric in our garments, I think many of us are in trouble, probably including Stuart himself. My point here would be that the bible is an ancient manuscript and everyone who says they believe in it chooses rather arbitrarily which parts of it apply to modern life. The bible can be and is interpreted by Christians in a variety of ways, some of them mutually exclusive. We could have a lengthy discussion here on that issue. But that’s not where I want to go with this.

After considering pursuing the discussion down the path of biblical interpretation I realized that doing so would not be pointless. Because the simple fact is that I have ceased to view the bible as god’s divine word. I would not describe myself as Christian at this point, except maybe in a very broad sense and in the cultural sense that it has formed much of my background and perspective on the world. I don’t believe any longer. I have wrestled for a long time with acknowledging this, because it’s another significant step away from who I was, and I have feared how people might respond. But I refuse to live life out of fear any longer.

I’m not going to try to argue with Stuart about what the bible says about who I am, because I don’t see the bible from his perspective. I don’t see it as the rule book by which I must live, therefore I don’t have to try to argue based on it that my life is moral and valid. I don’t believe that my life is invalid from a biblical perspective, and others who still see the bible as god’s word have argued and continue to argue for acceptance of LGBTQ people based on that understanding. I appreciate that they do so. I view them as allies. But this is a battle I’m not going to fight any more.

The problem for Stuart, and christians like him, is that they want to enforce their interpretation of the bible on society as a whole. In a pluralistic society, this is not acceptable. You may believe what you want, but you may not force me to conform to those beliefs in the public sphere. I think this is one of the reasons so many conservative christians voted for a man who is so emphatically not a christian: they recognize that they cannot dictate the narrative of society exclusively according to their worldview any longer and they are fighting to not lose that control which they have exercised for so long. You don’t have to accept me Stuart, but you cannot deny my right to live freely and fully as a fellow citizen and fellow human.

My rejection of the Christian religion comes not solely, or even primarily, as a result of the recent election, though that certainly did it great harm in my eyes. Nor does it arise purely out of my journey to find myself, though the two are closely intertwined, for how can I believe in a god who is supposed to be love, when so many of that god’s followers say that god hates people like me? My issues with religion go much deeper than this. I have read and studied the bible pretty much my entire life. I have gone to seminary. I have read and studied theology. I served as a missionary for almost ten years. And in the end I found it empty. I found that the so-called promises of god cannot be relied on. I can no longer put aside fundamental theological issues that have troubled me for a long time. I am not going to describe them here, as it would take far longer and become far more complex than appropriate for this blog. I have issues with basic theological beliefs in Christianity (and in fact with most any religion) that I can no longer answer, and which are compounded by the expression of this religion I see from so many so-called followers in my country.

If you are inclined to try to argue me back to faith, please save your time and energy. I know all the arguments. I’ve used them myself. Don’t cite bible verses at me. You’re not going to convince me by appealing to a book I probably know as well as you do and which I no longer believe in. If I ever find my way back to this faith, it will be through the continuing expressions of love and grace I find in those whose lives are shaped by the one who is called the “Prince of Peace.” Acts of love, mercy and compassion are the only currency that have any value with me. I am, from this point forward, declaring myself to be areligious and agnostic. I’m not writing off the possibility of god, but I’m definitely not seeing convincing evidence for god either. I am not denouncing all Christians either, for I know many whose lives affirm the fundamental values of love, grace, mercy and compassion. I’m not trying to convince anyone that they should not believe. I’m simply letting you know that I no longer do.