One Month to Go

I look at the calendar on the wall beside my desk. It reminds me that I am now just one month away from my transformation. It seems so close, and yet still so far away. Was it only last summer that I began considering that it was time to take this step? Was it that long ago? Both thoughts conflict in my mind. A month can seem like an eternity when you are eager for what lies ahead. I mark off each day on the calendar, counting down.

The past two years have been a journey of coming to own myself and embrace my identity. A significant part of that has been connecting to my body. In the dance studio I first began to really experience my body, its physicality, its movement, its power, strength and beauty. Initially I found dancing quite awkward, in part because I had never done it before, but also because I was not used to engaging  actively with my body, feeling it move, using it as a means of expression. Disconnected best describes my relationship with my body and with the world. I lived in the physical world but was not fully present in it. I invested in my mind and in my understanding of spirituality. My body represented a source of shame, something to hide, to remain silent about. I feared sensuality and sexuality. They demanded that I engage with my body, and I wasn’t ready or willing to do that.

I’ve made a lot of progress in these two years. I love working with my body to express myself through movement. I love the moments in dance class when we are encouraged to improvise, allowing ourselves to move freely to the music as our bodies wish. I often improvise even when I’m not supposed to, such as in ballet class! I love being physically present in my life. I love the embrace of a friend. I love feeling the sun on my face and the air on my skin. I’d say I love the feel of rain falling on me, but I live in Arizona, so that’s pretty rare. I love the ache in my muscles after a good dance session or a long walk. It reminds me that I am alive. I am here. I am present.

With that in mind, it may seem odd that I feel the need to undergo this surgery. Surely I can just find contentment in the body I have. I thought initially, when I first began my transition, that I might be able to. But the more at home I have become in my body, the more I’ve realized that my body is not fully my own. It doesn’t align with who I am. This is not the case for all transgender people, but it certainly is for me. All the dance classes and all the positive thinking in the world will not eliminate this fundamental obstacle to being fully connected with my body. Taking this step will remove that.

I have no doubts or hesitations about this transformation. This doesn’t mean I have no anxieties or fears. This is huge. Even though I have read all the information from the doctor several times, and will read it several more times, and even though I have interacted with others who have undergone this procedure, in the end, I can only imagine what it will be like until I actually experience it. I don’t fear that I will regret it. I do fear that the process may prove more arduous than I have anticipated (and I’m anticipating a fairly difficult process!) I fear potential complications. I’m anxious because no matter how prepared I am, it’s still a giant step into the unknown. One thing I’ve been learning on this journey is to remember that I am much stronger and braver than I give myself credit for (thank you friends, for reminding me of this!) This is going to turn out fine – better than fine. This is going to be glorious.

I want to share once again the dance piece I created last summer, because it speaks to this journey of becoming connected with my body. Many thanks go to my dear friend Nicole Curry for choreographing, filming and producing this. And to BreakOut Studios, who provided not only the space for filming, but the space in which I’ve made so much of a connection with myself. Finally, thank you again to all who have supported me on this journey, especially over the past few months. You are all the wind beneath my wings.