Two Weeks to Go: Anticipation and Anxiety

It’s Monday evening as I write this, February 19, 2018. Two weeks from this moment, I will be lying in a hospital bed, a new woman. I’m full of anticipation.

And I’m scared.

This is huge. Beyond words huge. My whole world at this point focuses on that day, on that surgery, on this event which will transform my life. I keep doing those daily things we call life, because I must, but mentally it often feels like there is nothing else happening in my world. I’m surprised that I’m actually still as engaged with life as I am, though I’d rather do that than stew alone in my emotions.

I woke up the other morning around 3:30 AM. As I lay there in bed, my mind pictured me on the hospital gurney, moments before being wheeled in to the operating room. The tears began to flow. I’m not sure how one can feel much more vulnerable, my life placed in the hands of others. Lying there imagining that moment, I felt so intensely alone. No one can fully go through this with me.

I wake up somewhat regularly now in the wee hours of the morning. It’s not so great for the sleep cycle, but obviously my mind has a lot to process. When those moments come, I try to sit – or lie – with them and not suppress them. They are valid emotions. They are understandable emotions in the face of something this significant. These moments don’t just come in the dark hours of the morning. They come all the time at this point. I’m taking a lot of moments for mindfulness, breathing deep and centering myself.

As always, I am grateful for the friends who are walking alongside me, listening to me pour out the mixture of emotions I’m experiencing, validating them and me. I see your faces before me as I write and a smile fills my face. I am such a fortunate woman to know so many amazing people.

Many people have asked how they can support me at this point. I’m going to lay out my basic timeline here below. I have primary supporters throughout my time in Phoenix/Scottsdale, with the exception of March 7. In principle, I welcome guests at any point after surgery, but if you want to come see me, please message or text me ahead of time to see how I’m doing and to find out where I’m staying. After I return to Tucson, I would love to have visitors. I’ll still need support in recovery at that point as well – things like meals and assistance with basic tasks would be greatly appreciated. It’s going to take some time to regain full health. I remind myself that to allow myself that time, and to accept offers of help. I don’t have to be strong and independent all the time.

Here then, is the timeline:

March 4 – travel to Scottsdale

March 5 – Surgery day

March 6-8 – recovery in hospital, discharge on March 8

March 9-15 – recovery and post-operative care in Phoenix

March 15 – return to Tucson

If you are in Tucson on March 3, I'm throwing a little transformation send off party. Message me for details, or check your Facebook events for an invitation.