Contentment is a Slippery Beast

Contentment is a slippery beast.

Just when you think you’ve found it, it wiggles out of your grasp and slips away.

Actually, it slips out of my hands because I become distracted by something else, something that I don’t have. Envy shows up and, just like that, contentment has slipped away.

For example, I hear a lot of people around my office talking about their vacation plans. Or I go online and I see all my friends posting pictures from their amazing vacations in Europe, or on the beach, or all sorts of other places. And I feel envious, because I’m stuck here in my scorching desert, unable to go anywhere. I compare my life to theirs and feel that I come up with the short end of the stick (and where did that phrase originate, anyway?)

“Enjoy a staycation,” people tell me. Yeah. A staycation sounds really glamorous compared to going to Italy, or New Zealand, or even San Diego. A staycation for me would mean sitting around the house all day wishing I were doing something other than sitting around the house all day. One day might be relaxing. Much more than that would quickly become miserable. A staycation is a reminder that I do not have the privilege of travel due to my economic circumstances. It is also a reminder that I do not feel comfortable, or safe, traveling a lot of places, even within my own country, due to my identity. In the year and a half that I’ve been out, the farthest I’ve traveled is to a city on the other side of my state, about a 4 hour drive away.

The problem, though, is not with my friends enjoying their vacation. I don’t want to begrudge them their enjoyment. The problem is with me and how I choose to compare my life to theirs. The problem is envy.

I can choose to allow envy room to nest in my mind, or I can receive it and usher it quickly on its way. When I do the former, my world turns a shade (or two, or three, or sometimes ten) darker. I fail to notice the hundred reasons I have to be grateful. My zest for life wanes. That’s not how I want to live.

I am trying to develop the discipline of gratefulness as a defense against envy. I don’t always succeed, and even when I’m on my game, it doesn’t mean that envy doesn’t raise its head. It does help my response to it when it does though. Gratefulness reminds me to focus on all the positive things in my life. Even amidst all the pain, sorrow and grief in this world – in my own life – I have much to be grateful for. Even as some dear friends move away, I can be grateful for those that remain close, for the fact that those who are departing have enriched my life AND that we can remain close despite the distance. I may not be able to travel anywhere exotic, but I can sit on my patio in the evening and look at the beautiful sunset on the mountains. I can enjoy a good conversation with a friend over dinner or a drink. I can dance.

I don’t want to allow envy to steal the joy I can experience in my life. My world may be pretty small right now, but it is rich with the things that matter. I just need to remember that daily, and especially at those moments when envy comes at me. Contentment doesn’t have to be elusive. It does require me to reorient my thinking. I’m making progress. And when contentment does slip away for a time, I’m thankful for those friends who help me refocus and find it again.