Look How Far You've Come

Yesterday marked one year since I came out to my entire social network. I don’t think of this date as my coming out anniversary, though in a way it is. My local friends had known for a few months by this time last year, but I had kept my online profile as neutral as possible – largely out of fear. I was afraid foremost of losing my job when my transition became public knowledge. I was also afraid of the response many of my older friends and acquaintances would have. Fear – it has robbed me of so much in my life.

After the Pulse nightclub shootings though, I knew the time had come to confront that fear and declare myself to the world. I saw the silence of many old friends in response to the targeted attack on an LGBTQ safe place – in particular on a night celebrating Latinx LGBTQ. I saw them describe it as a religious terror attack, because that was the only lens they were comfortable looking through. I cannot remember that anyone was so callous as to say it explicitly, but I wonder if some didn’t harbor a certain sympathy for the shooter. After all, god hates the gays, right?

Observing this erasure of a community I knew myself to be a part of, I could no longer remain silent. I could no longer simply enjoy the warm support of my small local community. Yes, my cocoon was comfortable and safe – for the moment. But I needed my whole world to know that “those” people who had been targeted and killed in Orlando were MY people. When they expressed their homophobic and transphobic views, they were attacking me, someone they knew personally. If you want to erase the gays from the world, you’ll have to erase me as well. – Some old friends and acquaintances did.

Obviously yesterday did not mark the one year anniversary of the shootings. I had planned to change my name officially, so I combined that event with my public coming out. On June 21, 2016, accompanied by my dear friend Magda, I went to the county courthouse, stood before a judge and was granted the name that truly belonged to me. We took this picture as we had lunch afterwards. (Not the greatest selfie of me, but the event is significant, so I keep it.) Afterwards I visited the Social Security office and a few days later the Motor Vehicle office. It was a big, freeing, empowering step – even though it did cost me my job.

It’s only been a year since that day. Sometimes it seems a lot longer. At other moments the time seems to have flown by. I struggle with patience. I feel that I missed out on so much of my life – not discounting the experiences I had, but nonetheless regretting the experiences I was unable to have because I wasn’t connected with myself. I want to make up for lost time, but I can’t rebuild a life overnight. Nor can I ever really recapture that lost time. I appreciate the friends who, when I’m once again frustrated that I’m not where I want to be, gently remind me:  “Look how far you’ve come.”