Reflections on Mother's Day

My day began with several text messages from dear friends, wishing me a Happy Mother’s Day. My heart filled with joy as I read their messages, for they affirmed something vital about me.

Even as I lay in bed thinking about when to get up, or whether to get up, I had been pondering my connection to this day. What makes a mother a mother? Am I a mother? These questions led to a fair amount of reflection. I imagine that some people out there, maybe even some reading this, would argue that I am not a mother. After all, I didn’t physically give birth to my children. But if that’s the primary criteria for determining whether a woman is a mother, then a lot of moms are excluded.

I could launch into an extended discourse on what it means to be a mother, or on the connection some draw between motherhood and a woman’s fundamental value, or a host of related issues. But I don’t feel inclined to tackle those questions today. They’re important, but for me, at this moment, the most important thing is the conclusion I reached even before my friends sent their wishes. I am a woman. And I have helped raise two children from infancy to young adulthood. They remain and always will remain my children. That makes me a mother, and I am proud to own that identity.

When I shared this with one of the friends who had texted me, as we ate brunch together, she expressed surprise, not because she had any problem with my owning this part of my identity, but because to her there had been no question about it at all. It hadn’t even crossed her mind. To her there’s no conflict in my identity. That’s a good thing. It just took me longer to get where she is, because when you embrace your identity later in life, you get to work through a host of issues that cisgender people don’t deal with.

Even as I have settled this question for myself, I think about other transgender parents, particularly those who identify outside of the gender binary. We have two holidays celebrating parents, representing the two poles of the traditional gender binary. What do you do if you don’t identify as one or the other? Being a parent is a vital, important and challenging role, and for those who identify as male or female, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day give us opportunity to celebrate that role. I’m pondering how we can expand our understanding of parenthood to be more inclusive. I don’t suppose having a “Parent’s Day” or more specifically a “Non-binary Parent’s Day” is going to gain much traction, but maybe it needs to. As we move towards being a more inclusive society, it’s time to think of how we can adapt our celebrations to reflect that.

Happy Mother's Day as well to my amazing mom, who has been a source of support and strength to me throughout my life and particularly over the past many months of this journey. We've had a lot of fun growing closer together and allowing our mother-daughter relationship to flourish. This is what love looks like.