Every Single Day

Every day I am reminded that I am transgender. Every.single.day. It’s not always an overt reminder, nor necessarily a hostile one. But I never have opportunity to forget it. I know I don’t “blend in.” I choose, as much as I am able, to not let that concern me. But it’s in the back of my mind. Every.single.day.

When I’m among friends, this awareness fades more into the background, but anytime I enter a large social setting, go to a shop (whether familiar or not), seek out help for a need from someone I haven’t worked with before, or undertake any number of other activities that we all do regularly, I have to think about what type of response I might receive. Because I know I’m different. Society doesn’t really want to let me forget it. Every time I speak on the phone, announcing myself as Andrea but being addressed as “sir,” I’m reminded that I don’t fit someone’s image of who Andrea should be. I am fortunate enough to live in a relatively tolerant, accepting city (which is not to say it is without problems). When I think of traveling anywhere else, the first thought that comes to mind is “How I will be received as the person I am. Will I be safe?”

If you are cisgender, you probably don’t face this challenge. You probably don’t think about your cisgender identity at all. (You may think of other aspects that intersect with it, but your gender identity probably isn’t something that occupies your thoughts.) There’s a word for this:  privilege. Being cisgender is a privilege because it brings the advantage of acceptance and recognition in society, without the cisgender individual needing to do anything to bring that about. (We’re focusing solely on gender identity here. I’m well aware that there are a whole host of issues that arise depending on what gender one is, as well as how one chooses to present one’s gender.) Our society accepts cisgender people for who they are without questioning the basic validity of that identity.

In American culture, the minute someone accepts that she/he/they are transgender, they become immediately aware that they are in a minority. We’d love to go about our lives just as our cisgender friends do. Sometimes we’re fortunate enough to be able to do so relatively freely. Far too often we’re not. But even if we are that fortunate, we will still be reminded that we are different, that a significant percentage of our society does not accept who we are, does not recognize our identity, does not want to make space for us to live alongside them fully and freely, that our very government seeks to exclude us and discriminate against us. Affirming one’s transgender identity requires an act of courage…repeatedly.

Few of us have the ability to pass in society as cisgender. Many don’t want to. Others would like to but lack the resources to make the adjustments necessary for society to accept us as if we were cisgender. “Passing” shouldn’t be the bar we have to meet in order to gain acceptance in society. Most of us will probably always be different enough to be noticeable in some manner. Can you accept us regardless of that?

At the end of March we celebrated the International Transgender Day of Visibility. On this day in particular, we call attention to the transgender community in order to help the cisgender community recognize that we are people just like them, that we ask only to live with the same human and civil rights that they have, that we are not a threat to their well-being and safety. We are your neighbors, your co-workers, your fellow worshippers, your children, your parents, cousins, the person who serves your morning coffee, the person teaching your children, or processing your loan application. We’re not an alien race. We also celebrate the day so that, in time, more and more of those in the transgender community who remain hidden will be able to live their lives openly, freely and proudly.

I am so thankful that my life is filled with wonderful cisgender friends who consistently affirm and accept me for who I am. I am a very fortunate woman, and having you in my life encourages me to continue living boldly and confidently in this world. I’ll always be transgender, but I dream of the day when I won’t have to constantly remember this.  I dream of a society in which one’s gender identity is recognized and accepted without question, without discrimination, without doubt. Given how far we still have to go in so many other areas of difference, like race, I fear that this may be a long journey. That’s okay (sort of) – I’m in this for the long haul.