Courage

I nervously paced back and forth in the green room, half-listening to Molly tell her story on stage. Mostly, my thoughts absorbed me as I tried to calm my racing heart. In a few moments it would be my turn to go out on that stage and share my story. Noel, the host, had led off the evening with a moving story, followed by several others leading up to Molly. I would close out the night’s show. My journey had been all about taking courageous steps. Sharing the story of that journey in the Female Storytellers show was the next one. I could do this...or could I?

Torey had shared her story before Molly, a powerful tale that spoke to my heart. I felt such a connection with her as she shared about finding her own worth and overcoming fear to make life-transforming choices. Her context is much different, yet we have so much in common. Her courage and vitality inspire me. Each of the women sharing their stories had been powerful in a way uniquely her own. This group was amazing, every one a bad-ass nasty woman. I was honored to share a stage with them.

As Molly continued her story I continued to wrestle with my doubts. My mind tried to play all the old tapes, lies about my lack of worth, my insignificance, my presumption in believing that I could go out there before that audience. Fear raised its ugly head as well. What would the audience think? How would they respond? What was I thinking? This is nuts. Sometimes, as Torey had said, you just have to tell your mind to “Shut the fuck up.” I pushed away the lies, the fear, and the gremlins, sat down on a chair and focused on deep breathing, reaching for that inner place of calm. I am worthy. I am not afraid. I am bold, courageous and I CAN do this.

Vulnerability. It had played a key role in my journey. Now I was going to display it on a public stage. I thought about Brene Brown’s famous TED talk on the topic, and how she had boldly overcome her own fear of vulnerability to give it. She had hoped no one would pay attention, only to have her talk go viral. Fortunately, tonight’s show was not being recorded for online distribution. I only had to be vulnerable before this audience in this moment. Vulnerability opens the door to connection. I CAN DO THIS.

I thought of my friends sitting in the audience: Ana Sofia, Chelsea, Melissa, Sylvia, Miki, Chandra, Christine, Abbie. I thought of the numerous other friends who were not able to be at the show, but who I knew were 100% behind me, cheering for me, sending their positive energy my way. I had feared that after coming out, I would find myself completely rejected, alone and friendless in the world. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Those friends out there testified to that. Their love had sustained and supported me on this journey. They believed in me. I believe in myself. I have confidence in me. I’ve made it this far. I’ve overcome so much, made so much progress. I CAN DO THIS. Fear will not conquer me. My story is worth telling.

Molly finished her story to resounding applause. I gave her a big hug as she came off the stage. It takes a lot of courage to get on a stage before an audience and tell your personal story, no matter what that story is. Molly, like me, was a first-timer, and she’d been fantastic. Noel stepped onto the stage and introduced the next and final speaker – me. My moment had come. I glanced once again at my notes, took a deep breath, turned and confidently stepped onto the stage…