Not Sorry

I saw the pass coming into the penalty box and realized that I could get there before the intended player on the opposing team. I put on a burst of speed and was just about to make contact with the ball to clear it when my opponent got her foot on it and redirected it away from me. Thankfully, it ended up in the hands of our goalie, who booted it upfield. As the opposing player and I jogged upfield after it, she apologized. I paused, laughed gently and complimented her on a well-executed move that had robbed me of what seemed like a sure clearance. She had no reason to apologize. She had made an excellent play and had every reason to feel good about herself.

I noticed through the course of the game that this player apologized frequently. When she bumped into our goalie as they made a save, she apologized, though she had done nothing wrong. She would apologize if she got in my way as both went for the ball. Not once did she need to say she was sorry. Not once did she actually do something that merited an apology, unlike several of her teammates, particularly the male ones. I observed that her behavior stemmed in part from a lack of support from her teammates. After one shot on goal that was blocked by our goalie, one of her teammates complimented her on the shot, to which another responded by asking why she was being complimented. After all, the shot had gone directly into the arms of the goalie. I felt sorry for her at that point, playing for a team that couldn’t even offer supportive, encouraging words to their teammates for anything short of successful actions. I wanted to invite her to play for our team. We may not be particularly successful in terms of goals or wins, but we succeed very well in supporting and encouraging one another. We actively promote a culture of affirmation.

As I reflected on this other player, I realized how often I, like her, say I’m sorry. I do it on the soccer field. I do it in other social settings. It has been pointed out that this is a classically female behavior. We apologize unnecessarily. We try to occupy less space in the world and, when we feel we have occupied too much, we apologize for it. We deny ourselves the credit we are due. We take blame upon ourselves that is not ours to bear. I cannot think of one time on the soccer field that I have seen a male player on the opposing team apologize unnecessarily. Most often they fail to apologize even when they should, such as when one of them aggressively knocked me off my feet last night, earning a caution from the referee. It didn’t even appear to occur to him that he should say he was sorry for his action. After all, that’s the nature of soccer. I, on the other hand, often find myself saying “I’m sorry” when I bump into an opponent while pursuing the ball, even when the contact is normal and insignificant.

I am working on this behavior in myself. I am training myself to refrain from saying “I’m sorry” when there is no genuine reason to do so. Which is not to say I refrain from saying it when I truly need to do so. If my actions, behavior or words have caused hurt, I will apologize. But I won’t apologize for my existence. I won’t apologize for occupying space in this world. I won’t apologize for pursuing that ball as actively as my male or female opponent. I won’t deny myself the credit I have earned. I won’t make myself smaller. I’ll still promote and empower other women (and men, though they do that pretty well for themselves), but not by diminishing myself. Being a kind person does not require me to erase myself. It’s time we women start claiming our space in this world. Part of that, for me, means saying “I’m sorry” less often.