Finding Healing

A couple weeks ago I got away for the weekend to visit a wonderful friend who goes to school in the northern part of the state. I was excited to visit her, though I was uncertain about whether I would enjoy the cold, winter weather of that area. I am, after all, a desert rat, and despite my years living in Russia and other cold climates, I’ve come to think it’s cold when it’s in the 50s. Still, I was willing to take the chance for the opportunity to hang out with a friend. I’m glad I did, because it turned out to be a fantastic, fun, rejuvenating weekend, even though the temperature never got above freezing. In fact, it snowed twice during my visit and I loved it. My friend and I went outside the first evening and built a snow ballerina (we share a love of ballet) complete with tutu, before dancing around in the snow ourselves and remarking on the patterns our boots left as we danced down the freshly snow-covered sidewalk. I had forgotten how delightful winter can be.

The festive Christmas decorations in her campus apartment filled my heart with joy and delight as well. As I have written previously, the holidays have been a difficult time for me since I came out to my spouse just before Thanksgiving three years ago. Yet this year, the warm, positive holiday spirit my friend radiated worked magical healing on those old wounds. One evening we went downtown for the lighting of the city’s Christmas tree, walked around in the icy wind, drank hot cocoa, sang along to the Christmas tunes being played, and I felt a part of me come alive again. I returned home having decided that this year I would put up a Christmas tree, a decision strengthened by the knowledge that this was something very important to my daughter, who moved back home this summer.

I then had to wrestle with the question of how to decorate the tree. I have a box with old ornaments, but they carry a lot of difficult memories. Yet without them I would have a pretty bare tree. I decided that I will begin collecting new ornaments that celebrate my new life and my new friends. They will be ornaments that are significant to me, representing new memories and relationships. It will take time to build that collection. I started with buying a single ornament, to which a couple friends have added pieces. Each one brings joy to my heart.

The question of how to decorate the tree evoked a difficult emotional conversation with my daughter, for whom the old ornaments carry positive memories. Was I asking her to erase and forget the past? I explained that it was not my intention nor desire for her to erase the past. In fact, I don’t want to erase it myself. But I also don’t want painful memories called to the front of my mind. It’s a balancing act for me as an individual and putting up a Christmas tree now made it a balancing act for the two of us as we navigated our different experiences and feelings about all that has transpired in our family over the last few years. In the end I think we both understood one another better and we agreed that she could go through the old ornaments and select those that were significant to her, but would check in with me before hanging them to make sure they would not be too triggering for me. The result is a blended tree, one that still reflects elements of the past and the family we used to be, but which includes ornaments celebrating the person I am now.

It feels good to have this tree in our living room. It adds a warmth and cheer that has been lacking the past few years. I wasn’t ready for it then. I am this year. Each year, step by step, I find a bit more healing and am beginning to create new memories and traditions. I am finding ways to enjoy, even celebrate this season. The grief of the past three years hasn’t gone away. Instead it is being wrapped in layers of new experiences, new relationships, and new life that soften the pain. Slowly, this season is becoming delightful once again.