Letting Go

I played my last regular season soccer game last night, at least for the foreseeable future. It’s one step among several that I am taking to let go of some things, to declutter and make space in my life. Over the past three years I have actively explored new opportunities, confronted fears and stepped into new spaces. I’ve chosen to engage my time and energy to address some of the current pressing social issues. I’ve become an active storyteller, tried my hand at stand-up comedy, started playing soccer again, joined the boards of 3 nonprofit organizations and chaired one community council. I’ve done it because I wanted and chose to. I’ve done it because it was important to me. I’ve done it because I found some measure of enjoyment in doing so. But I’ve been feeling since the beginning of the year that my life has become too full. I am giving out more than I can sustain. I have more than once felt overwhelmed by the commitments on my plate, and while I have managed to fulfill all of them to the best of my ability at the time, I have also recognized that I need to make some changes if I want to live a sustainable, healthy life.

Letting go is not easy for me. I am not releasing anything that I don’t care about. Such as soccer. I have really enjoyed playing again. I questioned whether I would be up to playing again at this point in my life, and I proved to myself that I was. I’m proud of myself for going for it. As I’ve written previously, it has been a pleasure playing with a team that cares for one another as much as the Fierce Pride does. I can’t imagine another team that would go winless through 3 seasons and still actively support and encourage one another on the field every game. Now I’m proud of myself for letting it go.

Sometimes we have to let go of things we enjoy to allow space for the things most central to our lives. I enjoy soccer, but I love dance. Over time, the impact of soccer on my body and my time has come to have an increasingly detrimental effect on my ability to dance with the level of enjoyment and commitment that I want. So something has to give. Dance has been a central part of my identity for almost 6 years now. It is an activity that centers and grounds me, that opens avenues for expression and creativity, that helps me be physically, mentally, and emotionally healthy. As I considered all the activities I had committed to and realized that dance was getting crowded out, I knew that I needed to make adjustments to rectify that. I will miss playing soccer, but I am at peace with my choice to let it go.

In evaluating my involvements, I have been considering not only what I’m doing and how it aligns with my core values and passions. I’ve also been contemplating WHY I pursue so many different things. My therapist pointed out that I am an overachiever. More significantly, she helped me recognize that I am an overachiever because I am trying to prove to the world, and more importantly to myself, that I am worthy of love and respect. I am trying to demonstrate, really to convince myself, that I am enough. That I am not a failure. This awareness shook me deeply. I realized that I am doing the very thing I had striven to get away from. I am, as Brené Brown speaks of it, hustling for my worth. I have released much of the armor that I used to protect myself from feelings of inadequacy. But I am still chasing validation, rather than finding it inside myself. This pursuit has led me to some great opportunities. It has brought me out of my comfort zone to discover new passions and interests. It has empowered me to live boldly, but it has been fueled by an unhealthy motivation and I have as a result overextended myself.

I have had the intention to create space in my life since the beginning of the year, but I kept hesitating. It is difficult for me to let go of things. I wonder if I am letting others down. I wrestle with internal feelings of failure – that doubt that says by letting go I’m admitting that I’m not enough. I struggle with the fear of missing out (FOMO), in which I compare my life to others and feel that if I’m not doing what they are I might miss out on something amazing. Maybe I will. But I have the power to choose what I want to do and the ability to reflect on why I am making the choices I am.

Letting go of some of my involvements is not just about finding a healthier life balance. It’s self care at a deeper level. It’s making space to recognize and affirm my worth apart from anything I do. It’s giving myself the freedom and making the choice to invest in myself and in those things that nourish me. It’s reflecting on my core passions, like dance and time with friends, and making sure I devote time and energy in them. It means slowing down and enjoying the moments of life, rather than rushing from one thing to the next, filling my life with activity that provides an elusive external validation but leaves me tired and drained. Letting go does not rule out trying new things. In fact I have a waiting list of things that interest me which I hope to pursue. But I want to try them out at a more reasonable pace and from a healthier motivation.

So tonight I’m going to stay home, drink a relaxing cup of tea, read a book, maybe play some music, or whatever else will nourish my soul in this moment, because I don’t have to prove to anyone, least of all myself, that I’m good enough, strong enough, smart enough, engaged enough, or anything enough. I am already enough as I am.