Seven weeks from tomorrow I will enter the hospital for the
surgery that will radically transform my life. As that day draws nearer, people
often ask me how I’m feeling. I answer that I am filled with anticipation, but
also with nervousness. I don’t know how to explain to someone who is not transgender
what it feels like to anticipate waking up for the first time in one’s life
with a body that matches who one is. I am so eager to look in the mirror and
not feel shame at the body I see. I hope for a day when I will meet a special
someone and be totally comfortable with her physically. Right now I would
struggle to do that. The body I live in daily is a foreign object to me. I am
largely content with the rest of my appearance. But the discrepancy between who
I am and the anatomical parts I received at birth is a constant reminder that I’m
not whole yet. In a few short weeks that will change. That excites me.
However, the impending surgery awakens anxiety as well. This
will be a huge transformation, physically and emotionally. This is not a simple
procedure. The recovery process scares me. I don’t expect it to be easy. I don’t
enter this with rose-colored glasses, thinking it’s all going to be champagne
and roses. It’s going to be difficult, painful and ugly at times. It’s going to
require all my inner strength to get through, along with a significant amount
of strength from my friends.
Those friends have alleviated my deepest fear: that I would
go through this process alone. Nothing has scared me more from the moment I
began thinking about this than the prospect of facing it alone. A couple times
I have doubted that the support I desire would be there. But you, my friends,
have proven me wrong time and again. Just this week I learned that I would need
to remain in Scottsdale two days longer than I had originally thought – leaving
me with a gap in my support. Yesterday I asked a friend if she would come and
be with me. Her immediate and unhesitant affirmation testified to her care and
reminded me of the amazing friends I am blessed with. Knowing that I have a
group of friends by my side through this process gives me tremendous peace. They
know that I will be heavily dependent on them, and they have gladly committed
to be there. How can I adequately express my appreciation? I trust that other
friends will come visit me, in the hospital, in the days afterwards when I’m
convalescing, and when I return home and will benefit from continued support. I
am a fortunate woman.
I am not yet where I hoped to be financially. My first
significant payment looms next week, followed a short two weeks later by the
second payment. I’m going forward in full confidence that this will happen, one
way or another. When I look at the generosity of my friends and larger
community already, I am humbled and grateful. I appreciate so deeply all who
have contributed, who are helping me achieve a dream that I never imagined
would be possible. It’s not far now.
I’ll continue to check in as surgery day draws near, and
look forward to sharing with you post-op as well.
If you can help me reach my financial goal, you can do so
through the link below, or contact me directly if you’d prefer another means.
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