Not What I Had Planned

After I shared earlier this week about my mixed emotions surrounding Thanksgiving, I set my mind to embracing the day with whatever it brought. The universe must have taken that as a challenge and decided to test me.

I had planned to spend the afternoon at a Thanksgiving dinner for the transgender community. Beforehand I yielded to my son’s invitation and stopped by my parent’s church to join them for a small bite before what I intended to be my main meal of the day. By this point, however, the headache I had awoken with had worsened to the point that my right eye felt like it wanted to pop out of my head, awakening memories of how I felt when I had shingles in my left eye a few years ago. I had tried all morning to ignore it, hoping that it was just a bad headache. But when I mentioned it to my parents at lunch, they insisted I needed to go to a clinic.

Hence I found myself sitting in Urgent Care on the afternoon of Thanksgiving day. Not exactly what I had planned. Although there was no rash nor other visible indicators of shingles, the NP on duty agreed that it was better to start treatment sooner rather than wait to see what might develop. Shingles in the eye can cause lasting damage. By late afternoon I was back home with a bottle of medication, comforted by the prospect of feeling better.

My Thanksgiving was far from wonderful. I certainly would have preferred to spend it doing something besides visiting Urgent Care and sitting alone of my sofa watching Netflix. Nonetheless, it gave me opportunity to reflect on many of the reasons I have to be thankful. I’m thankful for medical practitioners who agree to work on a holiday so others can have the care they need. I’m thankful for my parents and my son who encouraged me to seek treatment and supported me in doing so. I’m thankful for those who welcomed me at my parent’s church, and for my transgender siblings who responded with compassion when I informed them why I wouldn’t be able to join them for the afternoon. I’m thankful for friends who expressed their concern and support, and for Leigh, who generously brought by apple pie and other Thanksgiving leftovers on Friday so I wouldn’t go without some taste of the holiday.

It’s been a difficult year for many of us. I’ve shared some of my struggles and challenges in this blog. Each of you has faced your own trials and difficulties as well. Sometimes it feels overwhelming, and sometimes the tears need to flow freely (they do that often enough still!). But when I reflect on where I’m at in life, when I consider the friends who surround me and enrich my life in so many ways, when I think about how full my life is with meaning, purpose, joy and connection, I cannot help but be grateful. I’m not ignoring the challenges that exist in my life. I’m not oblivious to the problems in the world. But I find the energy to engage with them by making room for gratitude and joy, as well as pain, grief and sorrow. I find strength and encouragement from the community of wonderful people around me who believe and hope and work to make the world a better place. I receive comfort and support from caring friends who are there for me regardless of where I’m at emotionally. Things may not always work out the way I had hoped or planned, but I can always find reason to hope and reason to be grateful. I leave you with these words from Brené Brown in her latest book Braving the Wilderness:

“A wild heart is awake to the pain in the world, but does not diminish its own pain. A wild heart can beat with gratitude and lean in to pure joy without denying the struggle in the world. We hold that tension with the spirit of the wilderness. It’s not always easy or comfortable—sometimes we struggle with the weight of the pull—but what makes it possible is a front made of love and a back built of courage.”