Finding My Way to Hope

Sometimes it feels like the picture can’t get any bleaker. I think in particular of the shit show that is our national (and state!) political situation, with elected representatives disregarding the interests of the majority of their constituents and the needs of the poorest, most marginalized members of our society. At times like these, hope begins to fade.

Christmas, or more inclusively the winter holiday season, has always resonated for me with the message of hope. The last couple winters I didn’t feel much hope and even less joy. This year, despite the pervasive gloom in society, I am finding my way back to hope. I no longer locate that hope in the person of a baby ostensibly born on Christmas night. I find it in the hearts of the many amazing people in my life; in the friends who have supported and cared for me over the past couple years of my journey; in the people I know in my community who refuse to concede to the voices of hatred and discrimination. I see it in the lives of those who pour out their time and energy to make the world a better place for others. I don’t look outside of this world to save it. I look at what we bring, at what we can – and must – do, if we want a world in which peace and justice prevail.

I am grateful that my life is filled with ambassadors of hope. We are not unaware of the obstacles confronting us. We recognize that we face a relentless struggle. Yet we do not give in to despair – though it tempts us strongly at times. I’m realistic enough to acknowledge the darkness that seems to deepen all around. I’m pessimistic enough to wonder at times whether the struggle is worth it. But I remain optimistic enough to believe that the goodness I see around me can and will prevail, though it may do so at great cost. I hold on to hope. As we were reminded in last year’s blockbuster film Rogue One: Rebellions are built on hope.

This week two buds of hope blossomed in my personal garden. The first snuck up on me unexpectedly one evening this week, when I felt the inclination to play holiday music for the first time in two years. I pulled up one of my favorite holiday albums and let the music wash over me. In the days since then I have found myself adding other albums to my playlist and letting it accompany me as I go about my daily tasks. This is a small, but very significant step for me.

The second bud blossomed yesterday, nourished by the same spirit of hope that renewed my desire to enjoy seasonal music. I began the day by hanging holiday lights around my carport, and finished the evening hanging lights in my living room and kitchen with the help of a dear friend. I love the way it brightens the dark nights of December. Even if they aren’t as dark in Southern Arizona as they were in Northern Russia, I love the symbolism and significance of lights shining in the darkness. Now as much as any time in my life, I need that symbol.

I’m still reshaping and reowning what these holidays mean for me. I’m still not entirely comfortable with tying it all to Christmas, with the strong religious association that has for me. I may well adopt the Festivus label for my holiday! I’m only beginning to recreate what this holiday season looks like and means to me. I am glad that I can take the first steps to reclaim it this year, embracing the message of hope and the symbolism of light shining in the darkness. We are that light. As the christian bible reminds us: “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”