Let's talk about sex(uality)

I want to revisit a topic I touched on early in this blog: sexuality and gender identity. In light of my post about assumptions the other day and a couple interactions I’ve had over the past few weeks, I recognize a need to try to address some assumptions in these areas. And maybe I just wanted a reason to provocatively title today’s post. ;)

Recently I was showing an acquaintance a picture of a woman whom I found quite attractive. He responded by saying, “But… you can’t…. she’s… But you’re a…”

To which I responded, “I can’t what? I can and do find her attractive. I am attracted to women.”

This left him quite flabbergasted and confused. “But you’re a transgender woman. You must like men.” (I’m paraphrasing this conversation.)

“Why must I like men? What determines that I as a transgender woman must be sexually attracted to men?”

“But if you’re attracted to women, that makes you a…”

“A lesbian?”

“Yes, I guess.”

He walked away commenting that I had blown his whole framework of reference and that he wanted to talk with me more about it at some point. We haven’t yet had time for that conversation, but I’d be happy to explore the issue with him.

More recently I was having a glass of wine with a friend. At one point our conversation turned to issues of sexual attraction and she expressed thoughts along a similar line. She also assumed that as a transgender woman I was gay, which she understood as meaning I’m attracted to men, (which if we try to force traditional concepts would actually make me heterosexual since I am female.) When I assured her I am not, she found herself struggling to redefine her understanding of me, of transgender people and sexuality and her whole terminology to address the topic.

These two conversations would not have surprised me coming from most people, but both of these people openly identify as gay or lesbian, so I had assumed that they would have a better understanding of the distinction between gender identity and sexual orientation. That was my error. At the same time they both made assumptions about my sexuality based on their perceptions of transgender people. Our assumptions on both sides led to mistaken expectations and miscommunication, though thankfully given the nature of these relationships the misunderstandings were not offensive and led to fruitful conversation.

As I wrote last year, gender identity and sexual orientation (sexuality) are two separate issues, though of course they do intertwine in practical application. Gender identity refers to how an individual understands themselves, or how they perceive themselves. This reflects itself in a number of ways, one of the most obvious being how a person chooses to present themselves to the world. Gender identity ranges from male to female with all sorts of shade in between, and includes people who are agender, not identifying with any particular gender.

Sexual orientation speaks of the inner attraction one feels toward others sexually. Here we often tend to think in a binary similar to that of gender identity. One is either attracted to the same sex (homosexual) or the opposite sex (heterosexual, often mistakenly referred to as “straight.”) This is problematic first of all because it usually conflates “sex” with “gender.” When a man says he is attracted to women, does that mean people who identify as women, or people who have certain anatomical features? See the issue? Our inability to distinguish between gender, sexual orientation and anatomy creates a lot of unclarity. Sometimes it can lead to violence, especially when a transgender person doesn’t fulfill someone’s expectations of what a potential sexual partner should be.

Secondly, there are more than just two ways one can be sexually attracted. One can be bisexual, pansexual, or asexual, and a host of other possibilities that are beyond my means to explore. I’m far from an expert in this area. But I do recognize that there are more ways to understand oneself than simply whether one is attracted to the same or opposite sex.

Finally, transgender people don’t fit into any simple categories about sexual orientation, any more than cisgender people do. You cannot and should not assume that a transgender woman is sexually attracted to men, or women. Each of us is different. Nor should you make assumptions about transgender men. As much as it helps make sense of the world to fit people into neat little categories, resist! In this regard my interactions with my gay and lesbian friends reflect how their own thinking can be influenced by the dominant heterosexual/homosexual paradigm. But just as we should not assume to know a cisgender person’s sexual orientation simply based on their cisgender identity, we should not make that assumption about transgender people. We’re as unique as the rest of the world.

I find myself continually forced to reexamine my own assumptions. I haven’t got this mastered. But I want to keep learning and improving, setting aside assumptions and encountering people for who they are. When I make mistakes, I want to own them, acknowledge them, apologize for them as appropriate, and learn from them. I hope you will choose to do the same. In doing so we can all come to relate better to one another and encounter each other as the unique people that we are.