A good friend of mine who has had her own journey over the
past several years shared with me early in my journey that coming out isn’t
just a one-time event. Making a significant life transition such as mine means
coming out repeatedly in different settings and to different people. Even more
than a year after I first opened up to my family and a few close friends I
still experience this and it often generates anxiety in me.
Last month my parents celebrated their 50th
wedding anniversary. (Yay! Congratulations!!) They had planned a big party at
their favorite local wine shop and invited family and friends from across the
country. They received a far bigger response than I think they had anticipated.
As the weekend approached they were expecting upwards of sixty people. Among
them would be many relatives on both sides of the family. This made me somewhat
anxious. I had not seen most of my relatives in 8 years or more. Some on my
mother’s side I had never met. My greatest anxiety arose from seeing those I
had known in the past but whom I hadn’t seen since my transition. Many of them
come from small, rural towns in conservative states and I wondered what kind of
reception I would receive.
I prepared myself for the Sunday afternoon party and felt I
was in a good mental place, when I learned that prior to the Sunday party there
would be a family dinner on Friday evening and another on Saturday. Suddenly I
had to adjust myself to a different schedule. It may seem like a small deal to
you, but for me it generated additional anxiety. I shared this with someone I
had thought was a safe person, only to receive a dismissive answer that didn’t
acknowledge my legitimate concerns. To someone who has never made such a major
life change and never had to face the fear of rejection (or worse), my anxiety
may seem unreasonable. Believe me, I wish I didn’t feel it. But it was real and
it was better to acknowledge it and work through it than to dismiss it as
nonsense.
In the end the weekend went quite well. I received a warm and
welcome response from all my relatives. Some were warmer than others, but no
one treated me rudely or disrespectfully. No one shunned me, other than one
particular person whom I already knew in advance was not particularly happy
about my life. I was pleasantly surprised by the reception I received from my
aunt, who is nearly 80 years old, and my cousin, for they had known me longest
of any of the relatives present. I enjoyed talking with both of them. They
addressed me with my proper name and never gave any indication that they were
uncomfortable with me. What a wonderful relief!
After the weekend I talked with a friend about how things
had gone. She pointed out that just as I don’t want people to make assumptions
and judgments about me based on who I am or where I come from, this lesson can
remind me that I should also not project my assumptions on others. I had feared
that some of my relatives would have problems with me because of their cultural
backgrounds in small, rural towns. That didn’t prove to be the case. It
certainly could have, but my assumption was based on my own stereotypes and not
on anything definite. I want to take this lesson to heart as I go forward, not
just when I’m facing a situation where I will be meeting a person for the first
time, but in any situation where I am interacting with others. Setting aside
assumptions and encountering people as they are can be difficult, but just as I
want others to treat me that way, I also need to approach them with the same
openness.
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