A Grand Evening

I came home one evening this past week with aching feet and exuberant spirit. I had spent my evening coordinating the culmination of a process that began more than two months ago, when I first started my new job. The event brought together about sixty people to honor an emerging visual artist in our community, along with five other nominees for the award. This particular award has been awarded for more than twenty years and my predecessor had set a high standard for the reception, so I felt a bit anxious as the day drew near. But on the actual evening I felt confident in my preparations, and thankful for the people who had helped me bring it together. (I’m not going to pretend that I pulled this off single-handedly, but the primary responsibility was mine.) The result surpassed my own hopes.

As I walked around the reception, interacting with different guests, socializing with the artists and connecting them with the award donor and others, I felt at such ease. During the award presentation I stood off to the side of the room, monitoring the flow of the program. I experienced an inward glow seeing the artists recognized for their work, knowing that I had played a key role in the process. It wasn’t about me, and didn’t need to be focused on me. What felt so good to me, both during the reception and afterwards, was that I, Andrea, had done this and had been totally comfortable being myself in this setting. Throughout the process I have interacted with a variety of people and not once had I experienced hostility or even reservation from people, nor did I on the grand evening. I cannot fully convey how significant this is, except perhaps to contrast it with where I was just a year ago.

Last year around this time I had my first truly social outing after coming out. I wanted to take the significant step of presenting my true self in a social venue where I would encounter people who had known me before. With my dear friend I attended a performance of our local ballet company, which I have actively supported for some time. As an active supporter of the company I am recognized by both many of the dancers and other patrons. I was terrified. I put on my finest dress, had my stylist help me with make-up and steeled myself for my grand debut. Because I was so afraid we arrived at the last moment and slipped into our seats. After the performance, I lingered at the edge of the lobby, wondering if anyone would recognize me and approach me. I was still too hesitant to approach anyone myself. Just as I was about to go home, some of the dancers noticed me and called out to me. The moment of truth had arrived. To my great relief, they were very welcoming and supportive (and have remained so throughout the months since then.) It ended up being an affirming experience, but the effort it had taken me to step out in public had drained me.

When I contrast that evening with the reception this past week, the difference amazes me. I felt no fear, no hesitation, no need to be a shy wallflower hoping that no one would notice me (which is good, since I was the hostess of the event!) My transgender identity was simply a part of who I am, not something that I had to hide nor something I had to call particular attention to, as it should be. I wish that this were the situation for all transgender people, in every setting and situation. Unfortunately, it is not. Fear still dominates much of our lives in society. I will not say that I have set aside all my fears. There are still contexts and places where I feel uneasy, but thankfully in my community I feel ever more comfortable and natural. Admittedly, I have yet to venture far beyond this nest, but that time shall come and I will do so confident in who I am. I know I am fortunate to find myself in such an overall positive environment, but I am going to embrace that and be thankful for it. And I will continue to work and advocate for a society where all of us can experience that kind of safety and security in being who we are.