Looking Back, Looking Ahead

As the final hours of 2016 tick by I, like many others, pause to take stock of the year that is ending and to look ahead at the one about to begin. Looking back to the end of 2015, I see such a tremendous difference in my life. This year has brought significant challenges, painful losses, and buckets of tears. But it has also seen my life blossom in amazing new ways that have enriched and expanded my world.

At the end of 2015 my marriage was coming to an end. I had just started on the brave journey of transforming myself. I worried intensely that 2016 would be the loneliest year of my life. I knew that the one friend who had helped me have the courage to embrace my identity would soon be moving away and I wondered whether I would find any others to fill that void, not to mention how I would recover from the painful loss of a 25-year relationship. Here, at the end of 2016, I can say with relief and joy that my fears of loneliness have proven empty. When I stop and reflect on the circle of friends around me and the network of relationships that has developed over this year, I am overwhelmed with gratitude. I am a rich woman, because of the wealth of friendships that I have. As I write this so many names and faces come to mind that I almost cannot focus on writing. If I haven’t expressed it clearly enough to you yet, let me say again how much you all mean to me.

Which is not to say that I never experience sadness or loneliness. I do feel lonely at times. Tears still overwhelm me at unexpected moments. It’s hard to adjust to being single after 25 years of marriage. Even while my life is rich with relationships, I have not replaced that single, intimate one that I enjoyed for so long. I don’t know when I will. I’m open to the prospect but for now am learning to be content on my own. I don’t want to get involved with someone only in an effort to fill some void in myself. I want to connect with others out of my wholeness. As a result I do sometimes feel lonely, but I try to remind myself that I am not alone, and that’s a big difference.

This year also saw the end of a promising career in foreign language education. That hurt a lot, because I enjoyed teaching and I was good at it. That it ended due to my transformation felt incredibly unjust, which still makes me angry. But I enter the new year established in a new position, with a new and exciting career path open before me. I see opportunities and connections opening to me that would have never been possible in my previous work. I am accepted and affirmed by my coworkers for who I am, without prejudice. I know that my work contributes to the needs of my community, which provides a significant amount of job satisfaction.

I have my concerns for 2017. The beginning of the fascist dictatorship of der Trumpenfuhrer gives me great cause for alarm personally, for the future of democracy in my country, and in particular for the well-being of minorities and all those who do not conform to the reinvigorated worldview that advantages those who are white, heterosexual, cisgender, male (or attractive young female) Christians. But I refuse to give in to fear, just as I refuse to submit to those who use their privileged position to silence those of us on the margins. I affirm the need to engage, to resist, and to stand together with those who will be crushed by the new regime. Rather than leaving me fearful, this invigorates me as we begin 2017.

I don’t look back on 2016 with regret. I’m not even particularly glad to see it end. It has been a year of fantastic personal growth, even though growth always comes at a cost. Looking ahead to the new year, I am excited to grow and develop, to live more wholeheartedly, to engage actively, to stretch my boundaries and challenge myself to become more fully the woman I am. There’s lots of living still to be done.