Sometimes Courage is a Trip to California

Recently I took a small but significant step: for the first time since coming out two and a half years ago, I left the state of Arizona. True, I only went to California, but crossing the state line felt like a milestone for me. A friend asked me the other day why I don’t travel more. After all, I’ve seen a lot of the world, lived in a few countries and have the interest and skill set to thrive internationally. How could someone like me find it so momentous simply to travel to California?

I gave her three primary reasons:

Money. It takes money to travel. I’ve never had large amounts of money. Being a missionary isn’t exactly a lucrative career financially. I followed that with a teaching career. Again, not the path to financial wealth. Then I got divorced and started at an entry-level job. I’m doing okay financially, but I don’t exactly have a lot of disposable income that I can spend traveling. I’m working hard to manage my finances responsibly, so that means I don’t travel if doing so requires extensive use of my credit card.

      Fear. As a single transgender woman, traveling raises my fear level. I don’t know how I will be received anywhere I go. I fear for my safety. Certain cities are likely to be safe, or at least safer and more welcoming, but if I travel by car, I have to pass through places that don’t feel as safe, and if I travel by plane, well, see point 1. Any place that is likely to lean socially or politically conservative, which would encompass most anything surrounding my home city, does not feel safe or welcoming to me, especially in our current political climate. I would have loved to visit my daughter in Oklahoma, but there’s no way in hell I was going to risk a trip to Oklahoma.

      When it comes to traveling outside of the country, the risk level goes even higher. There are numerous countries in the world I would not even consider visiting. My very life would be at risk. One of those is Russia, a country I would love to visit again, but I cannot imagine doing so. I do hope eventually to get overseas and visit some places that would be more accepting of transgender people, but any step into a new environment raises my anxiety and fear. 

      I am working on facing this fear (such as taking a trip to California!). But my fears are real and valid as a member of a visible marginalized group that faces overt hostility and discrimination, even violence, in many places around the world, including in the US. I have to factor that in to any travel plans I make.

      Rootedness. This factor speaks more to why I don’t pursue an international career or a life as a nomad than to why I don’t visit places on vacation. I spent a lot of my life moving around. I’ve lived a lot of places and have never established deep roots in any one place since I left home after high school. Sure, I’ve had longer stints in various locations, but I’ve never really had the opportunity to settle in and make a city my home. I am enjoying this experience right now. I feel connected to my city, to the friends I have here, and to the communities I belong to. I feel at home, and it is a wonderful feeling. I care about this place and want to invest my time and energy into it. I have traveled halfway around the world, seen some amazing places and met some fascinating people. But in the end my journey brought me back to the place I left several years earlier and I found home right where I’d begun. There may come a time when I’m ready to move on again, but for now, I’m actually content to stay here in my quirky little desert city, enjoying the richness, beauty, and diversity it has to offer.

Looking ahead, I do want to take another trip soon. I just need to collect some money (and some time off!) and decide where I’m going to go. When I do, I’ll encounter a measure of anxiety and fear, but I can deal with those one step at a time. Sometimes courage is simply taking a trip to California.