Five Years From Now

In a recent conversation, a friend shared how she disliked the question “Where do you see yourself in five years?” She acknowledged that she disliked it because, while she had some broad visions of where her life might go, she really didn’t have a clear and definite plan for what the next five years would hold for her. Her comment prompted me to reflect on my own journey. I realized that, had someone asked me this question five years ago, there is no way I would have imagined that I would be where I am today. Five years ago I was still exploring my identity in secrecy. I never imagined that I could or would come to embrace it and live openly as myself. Not at all. So how can I imagine where I see myself five years from now? This doesn’t mean I don’t have ideas, visions and even goals. But so much can happen between now and then. So many things could change in my life.

This reminder also helps me keep perspective on where I’m at. Sometimes, more often than I would like, I consider where I’m at right now, and I feel frustration, disappointment, and even shame. I succumb to the temptation to compare myself to those around me, and more often than not I come up short. I compile a list of all the ways in which I am not enough, in which my life doesn’t measure up. I have such high expectations for myself. I know what I’m capable of. I know what I want in life (at least to some extent) and I know I’m not there yet, at least not in some key areas. I feel like a failure.

At those moments, I appreciate the gentle wisdom of the same friend mentioned earlier. She will look me in the eyes (often filled with tears) and remind me of how far I’ve come in such a relatively short time. I’ve only been out 2 ½ years! In that time I’ve rebuilt my life from basically nothing. She will lead me back to affirming my strengths, to owning my accomplishments, to showing myself the same compassion I would show others in my place. Friends like her are a precious treasure.

These years have been a period of such intense growth. At times it has exhausted me. When I pause and reflect, I have the chance to recognize how profound my journey has been in that time. Five years ago I would not have imagined myself where I am today. I’m not done growing. I want so much from life. I have so much to offer the world. But there’s plenty of time ahead. I don’t have to lay out a plan for the next five years. I don’t even have to have a definite plan for tomorrow (though, being who I am, I have a pretty good idea of how I hope the day will unfold!). Sometimes, it’s enough to just take it one breath at a time. As Alanis Morissette sings: “What it all boils down to, is that I haven’t got it all figured out just yet.” I probably never will, really. I don’t have to meet the expectations of others. I don’t even have to meet my expectations of myself, though it’s nice when I do. I am enough today, in this moment. I can be patience and compassionate with myself. I am not a failure. I am enough.