Friendship

I read an article that came across my social media channels the other day. The article, originally written in 2012 (ancient!) was reposted by the New York Times and examines the challenges of making friends as one gets older. I can relate to this topic.

My nomadic life has always presented challenges to maintaining friendships. I’ve lived in 7 different cities in 3 different states and 4 different countries since completing university. In addition, when I presented as a man, the dynamic of male friendships further hindered me from developing and sustaining meaningful, lasting friendships. Between the two, when I returned from living overseas in 2011, I functionally had no significant friends in my life. My closest friend, a woman, lived in Tajikistan and due to the distance and the relational dynamic with my spouse, I had to really step back from that friendship. I had no one I could count on to do things with me. I had no one to confide in. My social life consisted of doing things with my spouse, my parents and my children. Since I worked on my own at home, I had no meaningful connection with anyone who wasn’t related or married to me.

We joined a home Bible study group through our church, and I made some acquaintances that way, but I found it difficult to develop any depth to those relationships. I reached out to some of the other men in the group, but their lives were filled with work, family and the friends they already had. They were polite enough, but there was no real opportunity for meaningful connection. Women, with whom I naturally preferred to form friendships, were out of the question at the time, due to the previously-mentioned dynamic with my spouse. I honestly thought that if I were to die, the only people who would attend my funeral were my immediate family members.

Coming out brought new opportunities, as well as new challenges. For the first time in my life I could freely pursue friendships with other women, and in that regard my friendship circle has exploded. I’m so thankful for this. Still, finding friends in my age range has continued to prove challenging. Most of the women I know who are over 35 are married or in long-term relationships. Many have children and all have jobs and full social and family calendars. Not surprisingly, a significant percentage of my current friends are in their 20s and early 30s. I love this, because they enrich my life in so many ways. But I appreciate the value of the friends I have found who are in post 35. I can relate to them about life experiences in ways I cannot with my younger friends.

I’ve had to adjust my expectations about my friendships. I have to recognize that most of my 35+ friends do not have the flexible schedule that I do. They don’t have the freedom, or sometimes the energy, to decide to go out for a drink on a moment’s notice. I’ve had to accept that sometimes getting together once every couple months is the best we can do. We can still develop a meaningful friendship under those conditions. It just takes effort, commitment and a long perspective. I face similar challenges with my under-35 friends because many of them are juggling multiple jobs, or studying, or both. Life takes a lot of time and energy.

I have wrestled with accepting that forming meaningful friendships, whether those friends are under 35 or over, takes time. It takes commitment, and investment by both parties. Friendships don’t develop overnight, and I’ve only known most of my friends for a relatively short time. When I remember that, I realize how thankful I am for the network of friends I have, and especially for those who have become particularly close, the ones I know I can reach out to and talk about things, even if the conversation has to occur by text message. I am thankful that women seem, in general, to do better at building relationships with other women. I don’t want to be a prescriptive essentialist and state that men simply cannot form deep friendships. I’m sure they can, though my experience didn’t demonstrate this. I cannot say what it would be like to be a man in my position, looking to restart one’s life after 40. I don’t think it would be easy. But maybe I’m wrong. Someone else will have to share that perspective.

I do know that for me, forming new friendships has taken intentionality, persistence, effort and a willingness to take the risk of reaching out. I also know, and am immensely thankful, that doing that has proven profoundly rewarding for me. I wouldn’t be where I am without my circle of friends.