Phoenix Rising

Tomorrow will be my 50^th birthday. Not surprisingly, this has me in a rather introspective mood. Half a century. That’s a few trips around the sun. Enough time to gain some wisdom and to realize how much more I still have to learn. Enough time to make a few mistakes and, hopefully, learn from them. Enough time to experience significant joy, along with deep grief. To begin to understand this circle of life, but by no means to fully comprehend it.

I don’t feel like I’m 50. I don’t really know what 50 is supposed to feel like. From the narrative my culture promotes I think I’m supposed to be well over the hill and heading into decline. I’m supposed to be going to sleep at 8 PM, staying home and watching reruns of Golden Girls, or something like that. That certainly doesn’t describe me, nor do I want it to (and if it does describe you, no judgment here). I feel more alive and energetic than at any time in my life. I feel like life has only begun. I am embracing life with a zest that I lacked for all the prior years. I might stay out till 2 AM on the dance floor. Or I might explore new expressions of spirituality. I might go on a new adventure. The world is open before me. I am finally myself and able to live in the world from that place of authenticity. It’s beautiful. Not always easy. In fact, it comes with a hell of a lot of tears. Still, it’s beautiful. I feel more whole than I ever have. When I look in the mirror, I don’t see a woman who is past her prime. I see a woman who is only coming into it.

As part of my celebration of life, I got my first tattoo last weekend. I’ve been thinking about doing so for some time and finally had the courage to act on that intention, spurred in part by the encouragement and support of a couple awesome ladies I know. This tattoo seems particularly appropriate as I enter the second half-century of my life. A person who knows me saw it and asked what the significance of it was. I was rather dumbfounded. While by no means a close personal friend, this man has been around me long enough that I would have thought the significance was totally clear. Maybe he’s not the only one. Allow me to clarify.

The phoenix reminds me of the journey I have been on the past several years. I have risen from the ashes of the person I once was and the life I once knew to create a new life, to claim my true identity, to radiate that life and energy to the world around me as I shine forth the divine feminine within me. It is a symbol of rebirth, of new life. And therefore central to my understanding of myself. I did not arrive at the place I am today, on the eve of turning 50, without sacrifice, grief, and loss. I have been through the flames. And I have come out re-formed, stronger, more confident, more wholehearted. Every time I see this image on my arm I am reminded of this truth and of the courage it has taken me to come this far. I can draw on that to summon the courage to keep going. This journey is far from over. I may be 50 by the count of tours around the sun, but my life has only just begun.  

#Phoenixrising#