Slow Down Andrea!

I haven’t written anything lately because I’ve been really tired. Physically and emotionally spent. Every day. That’s the reality I’ve been living with for the past several weeks. The initial high that came after the surgery (not ignoring the difficulties I wrote about in my previous post) came crashing back to earth when I returned home and had to slowly reengage with daily life. Not that I am in the least disappointed with the outcome of the surgery, nor have any regrets that I underwent it. The underlying joy of being at harmony with myself has sustained me throughout.

I simply didn’t acknowledge how long and tiring healing can be.

Looking back at the past month, I see that I allowed myself the two weeks post-op for complete rest and recovery. Although I didn’t fully acknowledge it until too late, I naively pictured myself returning home and over the course of a week or two resuming my previous level of activity. Ha. Did I ever underestimate my recovery time! My body quickly made it clear to me that my rosy plans were not going to happen. The first week back I tried to resume what I thought was a moderate level of activity, only to find myself exhausted after a couple days. Sure, I enjoyed seeing friends and doing something besides resting on a couch. But I didn’t give myself the rest I needed and my body couldn’t sustain the pace.

Being wise, I quickly adjusted my plans to match my body’s needs. Being stubborn, it took me several days of overdoing it, along with the wise counsel of some good friends, to realize that I needed to seriously adjust my expectations and my activity level. Even with 9-10 hours of sleep daily, I initially found it difficult to make it through an entire day, much less be active in the evening. I had a mental list of things I wanted and needed to get done. By evening I was too tired to tackle any of them. I kept pushing them off and still have most of them on the to-do list. I was forced to radically alter my own plans and expectations and severely curtail my level of activity in order to allow myself the time my body needed for healing. It has been profoundly humbling.

As if being physically tired were not enough, various emotional issues came into the picture to add another level of complication and demand on my energy. Between the physical and emotional fatigue I failed to practice good self-care and found myself pushed to the point of breakdown. After one particularly rough day I recognized that I needed to make a change and reached out to friends for support. I adjusted my activity level to what seemed sustainable (though I’m still figuring out where that level is), made time for mindfulness practices that sustained my mental health, made sure to eat (even when that meant a quick stop at Taco Bell, because the other option was not eating that evening) and put resting and self-care as my top priority. I had assumed I could resume most of my activities after about a month. I know now that it may be another month before I’m at a point to consider doing so.

Every day I am amazed at this new body I have. I am grateful for the opportunity to begin life anew. And I appreciate the incremental progress from day to day. I even had enough energy to sit down and write this evening! I’m making time for the things that are most essential: sleep, rest, food and interaction with friends (in moderation – even if it just means a text conversation.) Work has to fit into that picture, and still presents the biggest drain on my energy, but I’m thankful for a positive work environment that has totally wrapped me in support. I remind myself daily (and am reminded by friends!) to SLOW DOWN. It’s okay to step back from life as long as I need to. It’s appropriate, even necessary, to take time for myself. I don’t need to rush full speed ahead into this new life. It will be there for me. Now is the time to rest and let my body heal. In fact, having written this, it's time to get ready to sleep!