Sometimes it hurts

Since we’ve been talking about vulnerability, I want to continue to practice it with you here. I’ve been having a really difficult time lately. Just getting out of bed to face the day takes a lot of willpower. Tears flow regularly and freely.

There, I said it. I have hesitated to do so with you all. After all, I don’t know who is reading this, nor how you’ll respond. You may think that my confession demonstrates my weakness. You may think that a person who is strong doesn’t have, or at least doesn’t admit to having vulnerabilities. But in fact I make my confession out of strength and courage. I want to own where I’m at, own the vulnerability, own the struggle, even as I want to move beyond it. And I hope that by owning it before you, I may just offer encouragement to any of you who are having a difficult time for whatever reason.

My current struggle springs from several issues in my life, but the one weighing most heavily on me is my employment situation, or more accurately, lack of employment. I mentioned in my narrative about my journey that I had lost my previous job. That happened about a month ago. Since then I’ve submitted so many resumes and applications, written so many cover letters – and nothing. Not a single hint of interest. It’s crushing my soul. Every day that passes without a response I feel more and more worthless, inadequate, unwanted. In my better moments I recognize that no one is specifically saying this, but in our society, where so much of our worth is determined by our job, not having one really leaves you feeling worthless. When you have advanced college degrees and twenty plus years of work experience and no one even wants to talk to you, it can cause you to question the value of your very existence. I didn’t expect that I would find work instantly. I knew it would take time, but to have not even a single interested response to all my applications, not a single interview, leaves me wondering what it is I lack.

As I wrestle with these feelings, I keep trying to apply what I’ve learned from Brené Brown. In her latest book Rising Strong, she talks about rumbling with the stories we tell ourselves when we’re down. I’m doing a lot of rumbling these days, trying to get beyond this tape in my head that wants to tell me how worthless and inadequate I am and recover the core message that I am worthy and I am enough. When I hold on to these truths I can find the inner strength to work through the struggles, work through the silence, indifference and even rejection of others. It helps so much that I have a safe place where I can go regularly and receive the message verbally and non-verbally that I am welcome, I am wanted, I am worthy and I am enough. I also have the fortune to have a good network of friends who affirm this message to me regularly. I long for every one of us, whether trans- or cisgender, to experience that, because it helps so much to find wholeness, to live wholeheartedly, to connect with oneself and with others.

I recognize that my struggle with finding employment is not unique to me as a transgender woman. Many people face this struggle, especially if, like me, you are middle-aged and female. My former spouse went through a similar struggle a couple years ago and I didn’t fully appreciate how hard it was for her at that time, presenting still at the time as an employed, cisgender white male. Being transgender though does add to the mix. I worry about how potential employers will respond when they encounter me in person. I have yet to face this, since no one has actually interviewed me. Although in my city it is illegal to discriminate on the basis of gender identity (which is not the case across the board nationally, in case you didn’t know), that doesn’t mean a potential employer can’t find other reasons to not hire me if they don’t want to deal with my gender identity. I hope that will not prove to be an issue, because so far businesses in my city have not had issues with me. Having me as an employee may be a different issue. I have to deal with the fact that most of my work history was under my former identity. I’ve been making some former supervisors aware of my transition and asking them if they will continue to serve as references for me. Some have been willing. Others have responded with cold, indifferent silence, which means I have parts of my work history where I cannot provide a good reference, despite the quality of my work for them.

Being transgender further contributes to my situation because my gender identity is the reason I find myself unemployed. When my previous employer became aware of my transition they made it clear to me that I didn’t fit with their program. They were VERY careful to avoid using any language that implied they would not continue to employ me because of my gender identity, but at the same time the consistent underlying message I received was that I really wasn’t welcome either. In the end I chose to walk away because the stress of arguing with them about my identity and my job were harming my health and well-being, and I saw that it was not an argument I was likely to win unless I could find some significant legal support, which I couldn’t. But the simple fact remains that if I had not made my transition, I would still be employed, and that makes me very angry and very bitter. I was very good at what I did and I enjoyed it. I am very unhappy that accepting who I am resulted in losing that, but despite the pain it has brought, I don’t regret the choice. I just think it is very wrong that transgender people must make the choice between hiding who they are and keeping their jobs, or being true to themselves and potentially losing them. Cisgender people do not face this dilemma.

I’ve got a plan that I’m pursuing to get myself back in the game. Thankfully I also still have my basic needs met, thanks largely to family and friends. I know I’m not alone in this. I know that many people love me, care for me and believe in me, which really, really helps, especially in those moments when I’m feeling really down. I’m going to continue to rumble with my feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness. I’m going to keep coming back to the basic truths that I am worthy and I am enough.