Prouder than Ever

The hot summer sun beat down relentlessly as I stretched before our final game of the season. Kick off would be at 6:30 PM, before the sun had set, and we would play the first half in the scorching heat. Surprisingly, over the course of the summer this had come to bother me less. I won’t say I love the prospect of playing soccer when it’s 95 or 100+ outside, but I’d gotten somewhat used to it. For this game we had only four women available, meaning we would have to play short-handed, and that all four of us women would have to play the entire game. I actually looked forward to it. At the beginning of the summer I would not have been able to play an entire game. Now, after an entire season, my fitness had increased to where I could, though my energy would certainly be flagging by the end of the game.

We lost that game, as we had the previous nine we played. Some would find this incredibly discouraging. Honestly, earlier in my life I too would have been deeply frustrated by that statistic.  No longer. Not with this team. Not with my new perspective on life. Life is about so much more than winning. It’s about community, about supporting and encouraging one another, about giving our best in the situation, whatever our best may be at that moment. It’s about affirming that we are enough as we are and that our worth as people doesn’t depend on our skill level or our ability to win games.

I participated in something beautiful playing with the Fierce Pride. I saw myself and my teammates grow in skill and confidence as the season progressed. I witnessed the positive attitude we carried throughout the season, supporting and encouraging one another regardless of the outcome of the game. We may not have fit your image of what a team should look like. But when I consider my teammates I see what a team can and should look like, what in fact society should look like: where each individual is valued for who they are and the contribution they bring, whatever it may be. We sought to practice inclusion, and while we are not the perfect model of it, I think we set a pretty good example.

I loved being on the field again after all these years. I love the thrill of the game, especially now that my intense competitiveness has softened. I love the opportunity to connect with my son in a new way. I love playing alongside old and new friends. I love the adrenaline and endorphins that flood my brain during and after each game, boosting my energy and my mental health. I love feeling my body strengthen and my stamina increase. I also love the lessons that soccer, or any team sport, can teach. A soccer game is about the team as a group. Each individual has value and matters, but no single individual makes or breaks the team. We must learn to work together, to know our roles and to interact in a way that increases our effectiveness. We learn to support one another at all times, whether scoring or conceding goals, whether our passing game is going well or going to shit, and whether we are winning or losing. We win by standing together. We win by demonstrating the value of community. We win by choosing to be visible and proud.

Having successfully completed the summer season, our team decided to continue playing in the fall season. I’m excited to build on the foundation we have laid. I am also looking forward to playing games when it is less than 95 degrees out! I am proud of myself and I am proud of this team. We are the Fierce Pride.

Utterly Unacceptable

This article about the threats against a transgender girl in Oklahoma first crossed my radar over the weekend, but only yesterday did I have the time to read more about the specifics. What I read has left me appalled, angry, and deeply shaken. I would like to say that I simply cannot comprehend such hatred, but the truth is that I can. I would like to think that people really cannot be so vile, but they can.

That this vitriol was directed against a 12-year-old girl is despicable. The explicit threat of physical violence is intolerable. The language used to speak of her is utterly dehumanizing. While it is horrible and unconscionable that anyone would speak this way about a child, this isn’t wrong just because she’s a child. These threats are absolutely unacceptable toward anyone, whether the target is 12 or 52. We must not forget that hatred like this is directed regularly not only at transgender children and youth, but at transgender individuals of all ages. And it is NEVER acceptable.

I would like to think that the things these adults in Oklahoma said were an extreme exception. Unfortunately, I fear that they represent the thoughts of far too many people, most of whom are at least tactful enough(?) not to express them openly. Perhaps it’s better that the cancer is exposed so it can be excised.

Our existence as transgender people does not threaten anyone else's life. It does not threaten their safety or well-being. We are people, just like anyone else you interact with on a daily basis. We deserve the right to live our lives in peace, without having to face such overt or covert hatred.

    

I will not tolerate any attempts to try to find a “middle ground” when it comes to protecting the full human rights of transgender people. This isn’t about trying to find solutions that make all parties comfortable. This is about upholding our inherent human dignity. If you cannot affirm that wholeheartedly, then we have nothing further to discuss.

Conference Anxiety

Last week I confirmed that I will attend a professional conference in October. I’m excited, and somewhat anxious. I have attended professional conferences before. In fact, I attended the national conference for the American Council of Teachers of Foreign Language (ACTFL) for three consecutive years while I was teaching. I gave presentations at two of those. Yet this will be my first professional conference since my transition, and that produces some anxiety in me.

When I booked my hotel room for the conference, I felt concerned. My understanding was that the conference would assign two people per room, and since I was the only one attending from my organization, this worried me rather significantly. I’m used to being around people who accept me as the woman I am, but how would a complete stranger from some other part of the country react when she had to share a hotel room with me? I called a friend who works at the local university to talk with her about it. I knew she was attending as well, so I asked her if she would considering rooming with me. We have interacted many times both professionally and socially, and I felt quite comfortable with the prospect of sharing a room with her. She graciously affirmed that she would willingly do so, were that necessary, but proceeded to correct my misunderstanding of the room situation at the conference. I would not need to share a room with anyone unless I chose to do so. Her explanation relieved my anxiety, as did her affirmation of me as a potential roommate.

My second point of anxiety relates to traveling. This will be my first time to fly since my transition. This issue concerns me less, because all my identification aligns with who I am, so I don’t anticipate any issues other than the usual hassles with the TSA. Still, there is a certain low-level anxiety that comes from being put into close quarters with strangers, and I will be curious to see whether I have any unusual interactions with the TSA agents. If I do, I will be sure to lodge an appropriate complaint.

I shall also be curious to see how interactions go at the conference itself. It will be my first exposure to a group of professionals from around the country. I expect everything will be just fine, but that doesn’t alleviate all my concerns. The other participants will be coming from around the country and may not necessarily come from environments as open and inclusive as my home town. Of course, since one of the key themes of the conference is promoting diversity and inclusion in scholarship programs, one would hope that the practice would begin among ourselves.

I hope that all my concerns will prove to be for naught. But that doesn’t invalidate them. If you are inclined to think that my fears are needless, I would respond that this comes from a position of cis-privilege. Cisgender people don’t have to think about these concerns, though they may have other reasons they feel anxiety, because being cisgender brings the privilege of acceptance in our society. No one questions your gender when you’re cis, so you don’t have to think about being accepted as a man or woman. But when you’re transgender, there is always an underlying question of whether your gender will be validated and affirmed. This is the reality of our lives. I have learned to navigate it fairly well, and my internal anxiety will not show on the outside. But it’s still there.

It helps me to be able to talk about my concerns with trusted cis friends, like my colleague at the university. As a cisgender ally, you can validate the feelings of your transgender friends and support them as they process those fears. You can offer to be there with them in the anxiety-producing situation. You can also work actively to create environments that are fully inclusive and affirming, whether in your workplace, your social settings, your professional interactions, or any other situation. In the end, I must manage my own anxiety, but it helps greatly to know that I am not facing the situation alone.

I look forward to the day when I will not experience these anxieties because the default will be full acceptance. We’re not there yet though.

Five Months Post Surgery

This past week marks five months since my operation.  In fact, it was almost exactly a year ago that I first shared my desire to explore surgery with a friend. How quickly the time has passed. My recovery continues to go well. I still feel amazed that I was able to do this, and so appreciative for the support I had throughout the process. 

A couple months ago I had the opportunity to talk about this aspect of my journey on stage at Female Storytellers. Today I want to share that story with you. In doing so, I hope that it will help you better understand what this has meant for me. And if you are wondering whether it is a step you need to take yourself, I hope it will encourage you in your decision.