Uncomfortable?

Last week I wrote about my experience dealing with Tempest du Jour, a popular local drag queen. I also questioned the allyship of those organizations and individuals who choose to stick with her despite the message this sends to the transgender community. I have challenged cisgender white gay male privilege. And I’ve felt pushback because of this. I’ve had people contact me to say that this is not the Tempest they know. I’ve seen posts in which people have spoken that their character speaks for itself. Which doesn’t really surprise me. We have seen this line of argument before in some very high-profile incidents in the last year or two. People denounce those pointing out problematic behaviors (or worse) on the basis that “so-and-so would NEVER do that. I know them.” In this way the harmed individual becomes the one to blame for raising the accusation and has their voice silenced and marginalized. The initial trauma is magnified and multiplied.

It is possible for someone to have problematic behaviors that are not visible to everyone, especially to those who are not affected by it. To point to a very high-profile situation, many people came to the character defense of Brett Kavanaugh, despite the bold testimony of Christine Blasey Ford. When you choose to believe what you “know” about a person in the light of testimony to the contrary, you silence the voices of those that most need to be heard. Which happens most often to those more marginalized than the accused individual or group. There is a huge power imbalance at play in these situations. It certainly influenced the decision by the Tucson Interfaith HIV/AIDS Network (TIHAN) to retain Tempest as their hostess because she brings in a lot of their fundraising, which is clearly far more important than hearing, believing, and standing in solidarity with the transgender community. After all, what does the trans community offer TIHAN?

I have also heard from others who attest to seriously problematic behaviors by Tempest over an extended period of time. These individuals are afraid to speak out, because they have been bullied for so long by Tempest and her supporters that they are traumatized. I can’t blame them. Challenging those in positions of prominence and power is always risky, difficult, and further traumatizing. I know now that the behavior I have seen from Tempest in and following the comedy show is not entirely an outlier. This doesn’t mean that Tempest cannot also do good things. It just means that there are problematic issues that must be addressed rather than ignoring them for the sake of the “good” she can do for the community. When that good comes at the expense of marginalized people, then we must question whether it is worth it.

I don’t know Tempest personally, but I do know Scott Blades, Executive Director of TIHAN. I will attest that he is a man of integrity. He’s also a man who can be wrong. He is a man who can be blind to his own privileges. I recognize that gay men have fought and continue to fight their own marginalization. I do not discount that history at all. But that history does not exempt them from owning their own issues. One’s own marginalization does not give one a pass on marginalizing others less powerful than oneself. It doesn’t give a pass on misogyny. It doesn’t excuse transphobic words and actions. It doesn’t excuse racism. Yet I see this attitude being expressed. It can happen within any marginalized group. Our challenge within the LGBTQ community is to critically examine our own behaviors, words, and choices. We must be willing to hear difficult feedback and rumble with it. We can’t just retreat into self-righteously defending our impeccable characters. That will not transform and dismantle the oppressive power structures that enslave us all. If we are willing to give a pass on problematic behaviors simply because somehow it benefits the “greater good,” how are we any better than those we take issue with in the larger society?

I try to own my own shortcomings, although I most certainly don’t like to. I want to resist, deny, retreat into self-justification. I’ve been called out for words and actions on my part, and it was quite uncomfortable and painful. And walking through that discomfort, acknowledging the harm and hurt I caused were essential to creating opportunity for resolution, healing, and growth. This entire situation could have been resolved months ago had Tempest du Jour been willing to humbly acknowledge her error and offer a sincere apology to those she harmed – the transgender and gender non-conforming community. She still has not done that, so the harm continues to multiply. TIHAN pointed to an apology she offered on her personal (not performance persona) profile. Except those of us offended by her words do not hear a true apology in what she wrote. Only the community harmed has the right to determine whether a sincere apology has been extended. Until I hear that apology, I will continue to speak out on behalf of myself and my community. If being challenged on your behavior makes you uncomfortable, then I invite you to sit in that discomfort and reflect on it. Then resolve to change.