This past week marks three years since I first came out to
the world. I’ve written about that day here. I consider it my second birthday, which
makes me now three years old! (I also have my original birthday later this
month, and now I have a rebirth day on March 5. This can be confusing when
someone asks me how old I am or when my birthday is!)
A few days ago I received some news that really devasted me,
ugly crying in the middle of my office devastating. I’m not going to share the
specifics of what happened, but will summarize by saying that something I had
really hoped for did not happen for very unexpected and frustrating reasons. I
have eagerly pursued a personal and professional growth path for the past two
years, and this felt like a real blow to my dreams.
After the initial disappointment settled, I began reflecting
on this incident in light of my journey over the past three years. I realized
that, without denying the feelings of disappointment, frustration, and anger
that I felt, this presented only a speed bump in my life. While it was
something I really wanted, not being able to do it, at least at the present
moment, is not really a setback. I still have a full slate of opportunities to
engage with my community and make an impact. This is pretty amazing, considering
that just two short years ago I had only begun working in my new job and was constructing
my social network from almost nothing. As one of my closest friends likes to
remind me, I have come a long way in a short amount of time. I can show myself
patience. I don’t have to accomplish everything right away. Two years ago I
sought this friend’s counsel on how to identify opportunities to invest my time
and energy. She wisely encouraged me to wait, to look for the areas that I felt
most passionate about, and to see what developed. I was all ready to rush ahead
and jump at the first opportunity that came along. Thanks to her wise advice, I
find myself two years later fully engaged in organizations that align with my
core values and passions, rather than frustrated that I had committed myself to
things that didn’t really speak to my heart.
My drive to pursue every opportunity has developed as I came
into my own self-confidence. I did not use to believe in myself. I didn’t challenge
myself to go beyond what I thought I could do. I carefully guarded my time and
energy and avoided committing myself to anything that might impinge on those.
Above all, I didn’t believe in myself because I wasn’t connected with my true
self. My fear of what others might think of me, of failure, and of rejection,
fueled a lack of confidence, which in turn kept me from having vision and
passion. I didn’t view myself as a leader and didn’t readily step into
leadership roles. Just a few short years ago I would not have remotely
envisioned myself doing most of the things I participate in now: nonprofit
support, storytelling, dance, soccer, social leadership, public speaking,
advocacy, and even karaoke (which I did again last week and had a blast!)
My drive also results from the deep sense that I have missed
out on half of my life. Because I didn’t know and embrace myself, I didn’t use
my time and energy to have the impact I now want and believe I can have on the
world. I don’t consider my life prior to coming out a waste. I did accomplish
some good, and I gained a lot of experience and wisdom. It’s not all a loss.
Yet I sometimes look at other people I know in my age range, people who have
had a clearer vision and trajectory through their lives, and I envy them. I
imagine what I could have accomplished had I owned my life sooner. But I cannot
rewrite history. I can only write the story from this point forward, and I
intend it to be quite different from the chapters before. Because being true to
myself empowers me to live with vision, passion, and purpose.
This passion can at times leave me frustrated that I cannot accomplish
more, more quickly. I want to pursue every opportunity that strengthens my
ability to have the impact I want to see from my life. Which, of course, is
unrealistic. As focused, intentional, and passionate as I am, I still only have
24 hours in my day and a certain amount of energy to expend. I also recognize the
value of and try to practice healthy self-care. Sometimes my engagement leads
me to neglect that, and I have to readjust and regain that margin in my life. Which
brings me back to the sage advice of my friend: be patient. I still have a lot
of life ahead of me.
I will still feel disappointment and frustration when
opportunities I want to pursue don’t work out. But I will try to hold the long
view, recognizing that there are all sorts of possibilities ahead, most of
which I’m not even aware of at present. And in the meantime, I’ll continue to
change the world through the channels available to me now, which are significant.
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